Sibling Visit

Sunday morning was the family visit and all 5 of the siblings were to get together to play at the park.  We were there with our 2 and the oldest 2 were there.  It would have been nice to see the 7 year old to see how she is doing with her dad.

Not having the biodad of the 7 year old there was kinda nice though.  While the kids all played we were able to talk with the foster parents of the teens.

These people are amazing.  They have 6 kids right now ages 11 to 17.  Their biokids are grown and they just continue to take teens in and continue to support their bio, adopted, and former foster kids well into their adulthood.

Having the teens they are able to have a more concrete picture of what life was like for all our kids.  It was terrible.  I just look at their teens in amazement and just hope that they will be able to put their lives together.  The oldest just turned 17.  She is at a 10th grade education level because of truancy.  It doesn't seem that there are any learning disabilities, but she is so broken inside.  After all she had to live with she feels that she is responsible for all of them going into care. When her biomother reached her after her attempted suicide she told her that she was going to be locked up in a mental institution for the rest of her life and thus she ran.  This family was being tracked by CPS for years.  I am angry that it took this long to rescue these children, but the oldest still thinks it was her fault.

In addition to being academically behind another concrete example of the neglect was the crazy amount of dental work she needed to have done.  Four root canals, crowns, cavities.  The poor girl.  Her brother (15) had 15 cavities.

The entire visit the oldest avoided us.  Stayed on the playground and didn't come near us.  I hope that as we visit this changes.  While the bioparents may loose their rights I don't want the young woman to feel that the two that are with us will never see her again.  Depending on how things go at the next visit or two we may even consider having them come visit here over the holidays since their foster dad works in town and may be able to drop them off for the day.

Brother... now he has some further issues.  He was told by his mother since he was 2 years old that he is bi-polar, and thus he behaves in such a manner.  She also told him that she drank and it is obvious that he has fetal alcohol.  He came over and visited with us a bit and doesn't seem as scared or angry with us.  Poor guy gets stuck on stories.  We heard over and over again about his cat he left behind and how she is now pregnant because the bioparents left her outside.  When he came into care all he had with him was his X-Box.  That was how he lived.  In a basement with a small path to his pallet that he slept on with his X-Box and cat.  The kid needed to be taught how to play outside, how to ride a bike, how to interact with people.  We did learn that he loves to draw and will spend hours drawing Mario (from video games).  He doesn't realize how similar he is to our Sissy.

With all the challenges we have with the little ones I can't imagine tackling these with teens.  The teens foster dad has to deal with issues such as teaching how to bathe, but also having to respect a teens privacy and not coming across as a creeper.  We have to keep the fridge locked to not have all the food eaten (not such an issue now), but they have locks and keys on all their food or their 6 would binge and eat everything.  They have to deal with electronics, keeping cell phones out of the hands of their kids, managing video games, TV time and we only have to scan to see that Daniel Tiger isn't talking about family.  If we think it is hard, I can't imagine what 6 teens would be like.

Hopefully over the next few weeks we are able to break down some walls with the 17 year old.  Every week that goes by is a further indication that the bioparents may lose their parental rights and if that happens I really would like to have a separate relationship with the teens so that they all don't lose each other.  That is another thing we got insight on from the foster parents.  They have been doing this for years so they have a pretty good read on how cases are going... they don't see it going in the bioparents' favor.

Twelve Weeks done

Our normal has really sunk in so I don't feel the need to vent as much, but I am also writing this for those other foster parents to stumble upon to find their normal.  Along this journey we have also found that others don't understand the foster issues either (as we didn't fully until completely immersed) and this has really helped folks we know step forward and help the foster community.

So... on to what has been happening since our post a week and a half ago.

12 weeks passed since the girls have arrived.  The 29th of this month is exactly 3 months.

4 weeks have passed since the girls saw their bioparents.

3 weeks have passed since our last court date in which the bioparents were told they had to take care of their headlice issue and visits were suspended.

These have been some nice quiet 4 weeks.  Without the bioparent visits we have seen so little regression it is fantastic.  Every week though the reality sets in deeper and deeper that even though reunification is a goal in fostering it looks like our girls are more likely to stay with us.  Either that or we will have so much time with them that it will be super hard to let go... each week we grow tighter and tighter.  Here are some stats on foster care (2013) https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/foster.pdf .  Notice that there are nearly half a million children in care and just over half go back to their bioparents.  Squirrel and I have had that conversation.  A few weeks ago we were unsure, but after these last uninterruped 4 weeks we cannot see disrupting the girls lives and sending them to another home if their bios don't make the changes necessary.

For a recap of the past week and a half... 

Friday, August 14 - That morning I learned that you do not leave facepaint on overnight... even if it is "washable" as Sissy was sporting some pink "eyeshadow" for a few days.  We did our traditional dinner out for Mexican.  Afterward we walked around the artwalk downtown.  The girls did extremely well for their first time in a gallery, however, now that they know that there are cookies there we will never be able to pass up the gallery during art walk again.  During our walk we went by what may be Sissy's favorite artist.  He does spray paint planets.  Sissy just dropped right down next to him and watched him do an entire piece.  We will have to swing by during next month's walk and secretly buy her one for her birthday in October.  After that we were risking it with a storm so we quickly returned to our car and made it just in time.  We did get drenched when going from the car to the house however.  Bug was also extremely upset when I went back outside to move the car forward and put the truck in the driveway (we don't risk leaving it under our roadside tree).  Since it was still early we then were a little risky and pulled out some legos!  It went well for about half an hour, but then we had to put them away when Sissy pooped her pants.  We have certain things that are only for
"big girls" and we loose those priveliges when we blatently have issues.  

Saturday, August 15 - Up early we decided to run off some energy and go to the Children's Museum.  Last time we visited we got the family pass and the girls were too manic to stay more than 45 minutes... this time we stayed for two hours!  It was also nice to allow the girls to play dress up at all the stations and not worry about infecting other children with our creepy crawlies.  Later that evening we risked it and went to see The Cat in The Hat at the local theatre.  We prepped by reading the book for several days.  This was a huge risk considering they are only 2 and 3 and we spent a quarter of our week's allowance from the state on just this show.  We allowed the girls to dress up and off we went.  The wait to go in was difficult as was the wait for the show.  We luckily had second row seats since I bought the tickets as soon as I thought the girls would be able to handle it.  The girls did really well.  There was laughter, there was rapt attention... there was extreme fear when the lights went all the way down.  Seriously?  Who turns ALL the lights down at a show designed for children?  If I would have expected this at all we would have had glow sticks or something to have ready.  We recovered, we did well for the show, and now we are battling the girls wanting to stand on a ball like The Cat.

A few days after the show it was raining so Sissy (unprompted) was pretending she was Sally and even saying some of the lines she had memorized.

Sunday, August 16 - It was going to be a brutally hot day, so why not go to the zoo?  Actually, the girls are up so early that we were able to get to the zoo before the heat of day fully hit.  It opens at 10 and we were there by 10:30.  This time around we chose not to take a stroller, but we did pack a few snacks and water.  Two hours... yes, two full hours of attention!  We barely made an hour last time we were there and we pulled them out ready to have tantrums.  This time we rode the carousel three times, the train twice, walked the entire zoo, and not a single issue.  After the zoo we decided to try out McDonald's.  We never eat there, but since the girls seemed to know it we figured we would try.  It didn't even phase them.  They seem to know the name, but not the product.  There were no food expectations, no happy meal toy expectations, nothing.  

Monday, August 17 - 

Tuesday, August 18 - Another major milestone.  Sissy went to the dentist!  What a champ.  We chose to take her to our dentist, even though we could have gone with a pediatric dentist.  With all the running we have to do we just need a few things to line up with our normal life.  Everything seems to turn out in the end, and our hygenist happens to specialize in pediatric.  Sissy sat in my lap for her exam and not once flinched, wasn't scared of a thing, and has no dental issues.

Wednesday, August 19 - We have been tossed back and forth between our agencies two caseworkers and this was the first time our current one has been to our house.  Even though we seemed to prefer our other one this visit has been one of our more favorable visits.  It is hard to meet and talk about the girls in code so they don't get completely what is going on (a bonus as if we had older kids we would have to share with them), but we were able to get some very important things done.  Paperwork for DHS Childcare Reimbursement (even the CW didn't know where it goes, but she is going to figure it out for us), Clothing Inventory (we didn't know we don't get our clothing allowance without our inventory until I read the manual), Dental forms and a quick walk through the house.  This was also the first time our CW met our girls.  Now she understands why we show up in court.  We have been pushing for some time for testing for Fetal Alcohol for Sissy.  The previous CW didn't really give us a concrete answer, or even a weak one, she just avoided answering.  When we mentioned it to the new CW she took a really good look at Sissy (who was at the table coloring) and nodded.  She sees it too.  Her challenge is that biomom has to give permission for the testing (seriously, we need her permission to see if she willingly, permanently injured her child).  Fortunatly we know that the CW for the older siblings is pushing it for their brother and we may be able to tag right on to that request.  It was really nice to have some time with the CW, let her meet the girls, hear our concerns and have her answer our questions too.  Some things we wanted were: copies of all court documents (our county is so behind she doesn't even have the copies), info on the next court date (she doesn't have that yet either and it should be in 60 more days), and an update on the bios.  The bios... well, they aren't responding to any calls.  They have been non-responsive since court.  

Thursday, August 20 - As if a Case Worker visit isn't enough excitement for the girls in one week, let's have our licensing visit too!  This was mostly for Squirrel and I.  Every quarter we have a licensing visit and this one is the most formal since our license is new.  Probably probational even.  We were able to give some good feedback on our process (not very smooth) and even give some hints for better training.  Our biggest thing was that new foster parents need guidance through all the paperwork and people they would be working with.  All of our training was focused on the mental health of the children.  Not once was there even a checklist of offices that you would be having to work with when you get kids.  Even a checklist of things to do your first week would have been appreciated. Next up is our training on October 10th and we can move on to our full license in November (which doesn't mean anything new, just a more formal status)

Friday, August 21 - We made it to 12 official weeks.  The passing of a week's milestone really makes me sick about their bioparents.  If these kids were my biokids and I had to work to get them back I would do everything I could.  I just don't think they are doing much of anything.  Really, if the biomom was really going to AA I couldn't imagine her sponsor would just let her ignore the case workers calling her.  The services the bioparents need would all be pushing them to maintain contact with the case workers and take steps, even little ones, at getting their kids back.  We did our traditional Friday event.  We went to Mexican.  Our 12th Friday in a row.  Most times in the same booth.  Soft taco, chicken burrito, rice, beans and a lot of chips and salsa for the girls.  This Friday we did delay a bit and we took the girls to watch a very special race to us.  We all went and cheered on the Special Olympians in their annual races.  I was afraid the girls wouldn't understand that it wasn't for them to run, but somehow they understood and they enjoyed cheering.

Saturday, August 22 - Every year we run our local road race.  Ten miles in August.  This year we were really worried that it wouldn't happen, but our wonderful neighbors took the risk and the girls were able to go to their house for the morning.  They are 2 of our 3 certified care givers for the girls, but we really didn't expect two toddlers when we put in for our license and we didn't expect this much chaos so we haven't been able to leave them before.  Each week our behavior gets better and better so we and the neighbors took a risk and it was worth it.  Sissy behaved wonderfully.  A model citizen.  She has become like others that are a bit risky at home, but for others they are great.  Bug was a bit under the weather so she was super cranky, but did fine.  The girls absolutely adore the neighbors so it is an absolute relief to realize we have finally made it to the point where we can leave them with a babysitter.  When we got home from our run we hung out for a bit... the girls played in water with the neighbors (they have an almost 2 year old) and had some pizza (I am soooo releaved that they fed all of us).  That afternoon we took a nap (some longer than others) and after about a four hour nap we finally had to wake Bug as we had tickets to a minor league baseball game.  Squirrel is a huge fan of baseball and we love the minor league stadium near us.  I had hoped when we bought our tickets that her family would jump on board as we try to go each year around Squirrel's birthday, but nobody joined us.  We bought the tickets in April when her family was talking about a ball game that weekend and while I would have preferred it in July I went for the August tickets instead.  Since we were already in the licensing process I bought four tickets and figured we would use 3 of them and take a guest or 2 plus 2 guests.  Never thought we would need all 4.  Front row seats.  Perfect for the girls.  We gave them the two middle seats and they enjoyed the game, their large orange sodas, hotdogs, and after the game fireworks.  Sitting in the front row we were also able to call the mascot over to give them high fives.  Going into it we expected 5 innings... 6 tops.  We made 8 1/2 (arrived in the middle of the first) and still did fireworks?  These girls are amazing.  At one point I thought we were done though.  Sissy was putting something in her pocket so Bug decided that she wanted to as well.  Unfortunately Bug's pants didn't have pockets so she just started stripping.  That is our Bug.  Give her the opportunity and she will remove all clothes.  

Sunday, August 23 - Family Visit - It is getting late so I will tell you all about this tomorrow.  

Monday, August 24 - rest

11 Weeks

Tomorrow marks 11 weeks... kinda shocking.

It has been 3 weeks today since the girls have seen their bioparents.

It has been 2 weeks since the last court date where the visits were suspended until a letter from the Dr. stating the lice have been taken care of has been provided.

It isn't our fault, but I feel so terrible for the girls.  They have no idea of the situation they were pulled out of and even after a 3 week hiatus from seeing their bios they still ask about them.  Sissy this morning was all a chatter, but she does understand that she "can't live with daddy until he gets his water fixed."  That was as good as I could do.  I am grateful that she is young enough that I don't have to explain what neglect is and how she has been affected by it.

This week we did talk about hunger.  We made some pizzas last weekend and I put one on the table.  Sissy was insistent that we did not eat it all and that we weren't to take the last piece.  I took the pizza.  The poor thing about fell out of her chair bawling (but she didn't leave her seat because she knows that leaving her seat means dinner is done).  I quickly retrieved the second pizza from the kitchen (we eat in a separate dining room) and placed it on the table.  She looked in wonder at it and then I went for the hard questions... I asked my three year old what it was like to not have enough food.  It was the first time we had a direct conversation about hunger.  Not something I would have ever thought would happen with a three year old, but I have learned that many things I have to talk with her as though she is a young adult.  She absorbs these conversations and days later she will bring up pieces of them.

Speaking of dinner... we now have both the girls at the "big table" and have abandoned the high chair.  We added some kaboosts to their chairs and now all of us are able to sit together.

I find that most things I want to write about are in working with Sissy... you see, Bug is just a normal 2 year old... not as scarred.  She doesn't fret about food, shelter, people... she is just a selfish little two year old.

We have started to have a family sit down every weekend to plan the next week's meals.  It is strange how Sissy thrives on having a plan.  We can keep our "adventures" as surprise events, but she must know when we are going on it.  For example, we have already spoken about tomorrow's plans.  In the morning we must wash the face paint off our face and then we will go to school (clothes are already laid out and she knows what she is wearing).  We will then be at school all day, but we will bring a picture of her face painting to show her teacher.  After school we will go out for burritos (we used to say tacos, but then we can't convince her to eat a burrito and they are so much more toddler friendly) and then have an adventure before bed.  She will remember it all.

Today we went on an adventure after school (thus the face painting) and when it was time to go home she remarked that we had to have tater-tot casserole... we told her yesterday.  There may be a time when we will have to follow written plans as it will make her feel comfortable and that is the only way we will remember what we said we are doing!

During tonight's adventure we saw some traditional Mexican dancers.  The girls were fascinated!  It is awesome to see them watch the world around them.  We try very hard to show them a lot of diversity, but when we stumbled upon something from their heritage it was wonderful that they enjoyed it.  I'm sure that their direct biofamily isn't terribly involved in the community, but we hope that we are able to give them some sort of heritage.

Their attention span at the adventure was amazing!  We were probably there for two hours which bodes well for this weekend's trip to the theater.  At one stop there was a storyteller and Sissy stayed for the whole thing.  Bug of course needed to wander at the end.

Not only does Sissy do planning, but she also is very much into trying to please... I feel terrible because I know she is doing it because she thinks that is how she gets the love and doesn't quite understand that it comes unconditionally, but it is good because she follows through with things for us.  This week we started wearing our coats to school in the morning and when Sissy didn't bring it home I asked her to bring it every day as that is our only fall coat and we need it... she hasn't forgotten it since.  Tonight I spoke with her about how I found her in her bed last night and I would bet a hundred dollars that she will never sleep as I found her again.  She was halfway off her bed and on the windowsill.

The good and the bad bathroom adventures

    July 23rd, that's the last time bioparents have visited the Duo. I guess On Monday, July 27th there was actually a visit with the older kids, but our girls were not taken to it because bio didn't call in to say that they would be there. So that's now 12 days with no visit! We will see what Thr brings.
 
 Although we were desperately hoping that after biomom had her letter clearing her, that the visits would be moved downtown to the agency; where there is climate control (air conditioning) and more importantly.. a bathroom for Sissy to use as we are making great strides with using the potty. ... Hoping doesn't mean getting however; We were informed that when the visits continue, they will most likely be at the same place.. but that was not from our caseworker, it was our Transport worker, and we are hoping that she is wrong.

  I wish that I could feel some confidence in the things that case workers and such tell me, like the time frame for one thing.. But I just cant seem to. I am still sort of expecting the 90 day review in court to be the day the Judge orders them to go back home with bio. All the workers seem to harbor the belief that this wont happen, but I don't feel 100 percent assured by them. But a little relief is better than none... and the wide open time frame is a hard thing.

 Today Sissy actually informed me that she had to go to the bathroom again (as we were outside playing), I knew that she needed to poop as she had just went pee about 10 minutes before that. This is the first time she has taken a proactive step before pooing her pants, and I couldn't be happier!!

    Sissy is also verbalizing quite often that she is happy, (and sometimes she says sad too). I think she is just now understanding emotions and relating them to he own situation. (we read a lot of emotion books, this may be helping). Tonight she said she was "So Happy" while playing after dinner, yesterday she said she was sad about Mommy and Daddy. When I asked her why, she couldn't really verbalize any further, so I just moved on to our discussion about how they would be living with us and we would keep them safe... etc. she then cheered right up. When asked she says she does like living here. She calls this house her home, and we are her family. This just must be so confusing for a kiddo. Poor Duo.  I know that Foster kids become confused by loving both bio and Fosters, they can feel disloyal to bios to love Fosters, and that creates some issues. I just hope that ours are too young to have that split love confusion
    We were quite sad ourselves when Sissy flooded our bathroom by stopping the sink and turning the water on full blast then leaving it running. Soon it was Raining quite heavy in our kitchen as water gushed through our kitchen light fixture and along the area above the sink. aack..

   Funny how they keep you so busy that there is no time for the repairs of things that they have broken. The list grows.
 

9 Weeks and counting

Wednesday morning was the official court date for the girls' bioparents negligence case.  The previous dates had been pre-trials, but I'm not really sure about the difference.  The bios were at court and Squirrel went so that we have the information directly.  The only reasons the bios were there was because the caseworker for the oldest 2 siblings picked them up.  There were a few things that happened in the kids' favor, and then a lot of things that didn't happen.  First is that all visits with the parents are suspended until mom gets a letter from a doctor that she is lice free.  We had to get this for the girls and it is about time that mom is pushed further to do so.  It was asked of her to do this 8 weeks ago.  This will also put us in a better place as once she is lice free we are not risking another infestation 3 times a week and even better is that family visits will then happen in the office, where weather doesn't matter and there are bathrooms!  It is really hard to potty train a child when they have to do family visits at a park with no restrooms.

The girls' brother's caseworker also got the judge to rule that he will receive a psych evaluation.  Unfortunately the young man has threatened his foster dad.  It isn't often that you even have a foster home that can take in 2 teenage siblings and if this evaluation doesn't go well he could end up in a care facility.  He may, however, need the facility.  The parents are also required to have psych evaluations!  Yippee!!!  They are required to also follow any recommendations.  This is big.  It is our belief that most of this family have some mental health concerns and if they are reunited they have to tackle them or these kids will be neglected again.  CPS was finally able to take the kids all into custody because of the oldest sibling's suicide attempt (actually it was the biomom's refusal of allowing evaluation that was the key).  If brother's evaluation comes back with a fetal alcohol diagnosis (which we all believe) it will give us more fodder to get an evaluation for Sissy.  This will also open up treatments as she grows.    

In the end the court will reevaluate in 90 days.  This is just for progress.  Our caseworker (or past caseworker as our agency is reevaluating the cases this week) came to visit us on Friday.  Our monthly visit was overdue.  We were playing outside when she arrived and when we asked if it would be easier if we went indoors she said that it was fine, she only needed to see the girls and have us sign the visit sheet.... Seriously?  I know that this is how it goes, but you didn't need to verbalize that.  You hear about terrible foster homes and if you know what time your caseworker is coming by you can always stage a happy visit outside so they never know conditions inside.  We captured our caseworker longer than she planned and we did get her to document Sissy's burn mark on her arm as well as get her to answer a few questions for us.  We do know that the girls' sister is now in permanent custody of her biodad (the court proceedings made Squirrel unsure).  We also pointedly asked about our timeline.  Since we have a 90 day reevaluation Squirrel asked if we could expect that the girls may go back into their bios' custody at that time (since that is as quickly as sister went into biodad's custody).  Our caseworker said absolutely not, that we could expect this will be 6-9 months at a minimum if ever.  She has little faith that the bios will do anything.  This is sad, but a bit of a relief.  

We are foster parents, it is the ultimate goal to return the family.  Reality is with what these two have been through that I don't want them to return to that.  Every day I hate the bioparents more and more.  As the girls get more and more comfortable and loving I realize more and more how awful the parents are/were.  The foster parents that work extremely closely with the bioparents must either have cases that were true economic hardship or they are complete saints.  It is reaffirming that even our workers are appalled at the bioparents.

In the meanwhile we are now in the limbo between temporary and permanent parents.  With the reality of a minimum of 6 months we continue to get things for them to "grow into" and move away from only doing the immediate.  

One of the more permanent things we did was to buy a two year photo plan at JCPenny and did our first set of family photos.  Time to get these two up on the wall.

We also got a gift of beds from Squirrel's colleague and I spent all day yesterday painting them.  Luckily the girls "helped" us pick out the colors (even though we gave them limited choices).

Giant beds for our tiny girls.