Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that having money would cause difficulties. Here we are 11 months after adoption (yes, I know we have a lot to fill in on) and our newest challenge is how to explain to our now 6 year old what it is like to have and to share.
My kids are good and kind. For years now they understand that sharing our abundance is good. What they don't seem to understand is why we don't always take when offered. The average household income here is around $24,000. Our household has been fortunate and we are four, if not five times that. Yes, my kid does have a hole in the elbow of today's chosen shirt. Our responsibility is to manage our resources well so that when the kids grow up they are on a path to sufficiency. When we adopted we did pursue and receive subsidy. We call it child support from the state. If life continues on the current path all of this will be saved for after the kids finish college. If the path changes we have savings for emergencies and crisis.
At this point, one may wonder, how is money causing you difficulties? It is the poverty world around us. You see, even though we have great income we spend frugally. There is a great bakery outlet nearby, my car is 17 years old (it has become a game of sorts for me to see how long I can drive it), and lots of toys and clothes come from the thrift store. My kids don't understand then why we don't take the free stuff offered (thrown) at us at all times. Both schools give all the kids free lunch and breakfast and I understand, and I while at pre-school I am not allowed to send food we do take advantage of the free food at kindergarten because we want to be just like the other kids. From that point on the line has to be drawn. A big conversation happened last Friday when my big was sent home from school with a backpack full of food. Her eyes showed incredible disappointment when I told her we would return it on Monday. When we went to dance class and the instructor told our family to take lots of apples and a bag of potatoes the kids really wanted the bag of potatoes. They don't understand that we should be the ones giving the potatoes, not taking the potatoes. Christmas was the worst. All the fliers coming home inviting us to register here there and everywhere for free gifts. We skipped parties that "every child guaranteed a gift" as we don't need that support. We bought the giant Disney Lego castle, I would be embarrassed to take items away from children in need.
How do families break out of poverty when living in poverty is what they were taught? A free cell phone because you have public health insurance?
We teach a lot about sharing our abundance. That shirt with the hole in the elbow, we keep that one because it isn't nice enough to give away and we understand that when something is too small or not played with if it is in great condition we need to give it to someone else. The kids know the rule that if you see someone at the foster closet (we volunteer often) we aren't allowed to talk about it at school unless the other kid brings it up first. Being from foster care isn't an issue for our kids, but the others may be sensitive.
Teaching a kid that "no you can't have because you have already" is an incredibly difficult thing to do. You always know when someone else has something nicer or bigger than you do, but how do you tell a kid that their friend has a smaller or not as nice as you do? It isn't like I can't take my kids for a ride through and show them that other kids have crap situations. Take this home for example, do a google map time shift and see what it looked like in 2008 and in 2015. That is reality around here and it is only 3 minutes away. Yes, your friend may be sporting Nike and dressing with new clothes, but when you come home you have a warm bed, plenty of food, and security.
I know that my pre-schooler is only one of two kids in the class that doesn't live in poverty. We are probably the most thrift store dressed. The cycle is going to continue for so many of these kids. How do you learn to live within your means? Learning to provide for yourself? Learning to take what you need and work for what you want is difficult in the best of situations.
For now, we are going to stop bringing home all the free stuff. Learning to keep our hands off the free snacks that you really aren't hungry for right now. Not taking home the giant bag of free cereal (the 4 year old was obsessed with a bag of cereal for a week) and really working on giving more that we receive.
Friday, January 26, 2018
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Reward Stickers
The girls had their visit yesterday. It was a surprise to all of us. Just when we feel like the bioparents are going to fail us they start succeeding... then when we feel like they will succeed, they fail. So, needless to say, the successful visit yesterday was a surprise.
Have I told you about the fact that our clock "dings" we love it as the girls can't tell time so we can always say "next bell is bedtime" and they listen fairly well. Bedtime was smooth. We just returned to a reward system. This time around it is stickers. We tried fuzzys before, but they wanted to play with them too much. Now with stickers they have their own book, the sticker(s) go in it and they can look at them and we don't have to have larger rewards later.
We never know after a visit if the girls will have an appetite or not. I definitely did. Somehow shuffling everyone out the door I never pack my own lunches. My coffee and two packs of crackers for morning snacks for the girls are all I can manage. When you roll in and have no idea of what the appetite will be it is difficult to plan what to make. Last night I went with the easy route. Leftover ham (which we have so much of), eggs and toast. Even without an appetite the girls always will eat eggs. I guess that is important so they get some protein after their sugar high at the visit.
After dinner I needed a few minutes before becoming the evening's entertainment so I pulled out some single serve instant puddings and milk. It kept them at the table and busy for another half hour. By the time they were done "cooking" and eating I had dishes done and we were ready to move to the next thing... Thank you "notes"
Last week we received some amazing gifts from Operation Christmas Child (I think that is the name of it). I thought we would get a few little things... They hooked the girls up! The gifts are overly generous. We were lucky we took the truck to that meeting as the gifts would not have fit in the car. Our thank you notes were colored pictures. We still have to finish them, but it was a good time for all four of us to sit down together. There are so many things that Bug will sit down for that she gets some good one on one attention that Sissy just doesn't have the patience for. Coloring has flipped it around. Sissy sat so well (or as well as she will) and Bug went off and did her own thing. Nearly every day Bug will sit for a book or three so her wondering off during coloring gave us some good calm time with Sissy. While it won't be every night, we may have to put some coloring time in more often to see what it can do for her.
After coloring the chaos started for Sissy. Her little body just can't be controlled. The spinning the flopping around just all around manic movement. Luckily for us it was only a half hour before bed (they go down at 7:30) so we sat back and watched and let it happen. Oh, how I hope that we can keep working with her to help her cope with her random behaviors. It seems so strange to us that the 2 year old has such better management over herself than the 4 year old.
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| Earlier this month we visited the Art Museum. |
This morning was a great one and proof that the stickers work. Yesterday we had no teeth brushing and we had a lot of prompting to get ready for school and thus when we did rewards last night we focused on that. Today Sissy was dressed before me and thus no prompting at all. Shoes were on the right feet (she knows, she just likes the attention that the wrong feet get her) and we brushed our teeth like champs! Brushing hair had no arguments either.
With all the chaos that is happening we have also started to grab that bit of time right when the girls go to bed and we still have a little energy. I gave squirrel the option of shopping or cleaning at 7:30. That one hour without kids we can get so much done even if it is just running out for more baby-wipes and vacuuming without competing without a helper. I won the rock-paper-scissors so I got to go out. The toy section was wonderful without extra hands and we did finally get the perfect Christmas gift for our little neighbor.
With all the chaos that is happening we have also started to grab that bit of time right when the girls go to bed and we still have a little energy. I gave squirrel the option of shopping or cleaning at 7:30. That one hour without kids we can get so much done even if it is just running out for more baby-wipes and vacuuming without competing without a helper. I won the rock-paper-scissors so I got to go out. The toy section was wonderful without extra hands and we did finally get the perfect Christmas gift for our little neighbor.
This afternoon is Sissy's parent teacher conference. I hope she is a good kid for them, but I also hope that they see some of the issues we see so that we can keep pushing forward to help this kid get the services she will need as she grows.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Emotionally Tired
I'm struggling a little right now. Not overwhelmed, but more tired than usual.
We finished a big push at work and I thought things would slow down before the holidays (and having the girls all day without day care). Work has slowed down, but now everything else loads on top.
Squirrel's mom took a spill a few weeks ago and has a broken ankle so she is in care right now. It has been a few weeks and now we have to get ready for when she is sent home. Her apartment is not wheelchair ready so we need to get some work done over there, but finding the time is the difficult part. How do you parse through someone else's belongings? How do you do it with two toddlers in tow? Maybe that is it! If we take the girls, maybe we will just fly right through it because we can't take our time.
The holidays bring more action for the girls... so many things we want to do and so many commitments. Holiday parties for work, the agency, school along with concerts and other things give us so little down time. I have two concerts this week, however if we travel (see below) I will have to get my music to my fellow players.
Cookies, are you serious you want me to bake cookies for school. I don't think so.
Oh, and school decided that there would be no school this Thursday, but there will be next week. Yeah, I'm that parent who already put my vacation in weeks ago. The school swap is not cool with me. I honestly would love to pull the girls from the school. It is the little paperwork crap that is the proverbial straw. Today I had to send in income verification AGAIN. The convenience of the school is fantastic and the girls love it, however their office and the guessing game of "what will our bill be this month" make me really question if we will use them again with our next placement.
We then have the emotional roller coaster of the girls no longer looking at reunification being asked for next month. They will likely go home at some time, just not as quickly as thought. With that though, visits are hit and miss, the girls know what is supposed to be happening and what isn't and they are becoming very irritable because of it.
Top that off with my grandmother is in hospice. We thought she would pass this last weekend. Family was gathered. Since I knew I would regret not checking... I figured I would ask our caseworker if there was a chance that we could travel with the girls. It would have been easier had she said no. I feel as though I am responsible to go and I would regret not going, however it would be so much easier to stay home.
Now here we are... holidays are almost here. Every other day we play the guessing game if the girls will have a visit or not. The apartment isn't cleaning itself. I have a house sitter lined up if we travel. The travel depends on what days. There has been no word on my grandmother, but we will just take this all one day at a time. For now all I can do is make dinner, do the dishes and keep the house tidy as though we will use the house-sitter tomorrow.
We finished a big push at work and I thought things would slow down before the holidays (and having the girls all day without day care). Work has slowed down, but now everything else loads on top.
Squirrel's mom took a spill a few weeks ago and has a broken ankle so she is in care right now. It has been a few weeks and now we have to get ready for when she is sent home. Her apartment is not wheelchair ready so we need to get some work done over there, but finding the time is the difficult part. How do you parse through someone else's belongings? How do you do it with two toddlers in tow? Maybe that is it! If we take the girls, maybe we will just fly right through it because we can't take our time.
The holidays bring more action for the girls... so many things we want to do and so many commitments. Holiday parties for work, the agency, school along with concerts and other things give us so little down time. I have two concerts this week, however if we travel (see below) I will have to get my music to my fellow players.
Cookies, are you serious you want me to bake cookies for school. I don't think so.
Oh, and school decided that there would be no school this Thursday, but there will be next week. Yeah, I'm that parent who already put my vacation in weeks ago. The school swap is not cool with me. I honestly would love to pull the girls from the school. It is the little paperwork crap that is the proverbial straw. Today I had to send in income verification AGAIN. The convenience of the school is fantastic and the girls love it, however their office and the guessing game of "what will our bill be this month" make me really question if we will use them again with our next placement.
We then have the emotional roller coaster of the girls no longer looking at reunification being asked for next month. They will likely go home at some time, just not as quickly as thought. With that though, visits are hit and miss, the girls know what is supposed to be happening and what isn't and they are becoming very irritable because of it.
Top that off with my grandmother is in hospice. We thought she would pass this last weekend. Family was gathered. Since I knew I would regret not checking... I figured I would ask our caseworker if there was a chance that we could travel with the girls. It would have been easier had she said no. I feel as though I am responsible to go and I would regret not going, however it would be so much easier to stay home.
Now here we are... holidays are almost here. Every other day we play the guessing game if the girls will have a visit or not. The apartment isn't cleaning itself. I have a house sitter lined up if we travel. The travel depends on what days. There has been no word on my grandmother, but we will just take this all one day at a time. For now all I can do is make dinner, do the dishes and keep the house tidy as though we will use the house-sitter tomorrow.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Memories and FAS paperwork
Squirrel decided to be brave on Friday and take the girls to one of my concerts. I have managed to take them to a concert on my own with success... Squirrel has declared that it will never happen again. They really didn't get to hear much. They did however explore the church, walk around the parking lot and just keep busy in general.
Saturday was a "home day" and we did our normal, laundry, play together, and I worked with the girls and put Christmas lights outside after many requests.
Today was our big adventure day. This morning we had pictures in our Christmas sweaters. Probably some of the best photos that we have had. Perhaps it was helpful that we did them at 9:00! It has been unseasonably warm so we decided to take the girls for a carriage ride. Off we went - a 30 minute car ride for a 15 minute carriage ride. I think they enjoyed it. Often it is difficult to gauge what they think for several days after. Then all of the sudden they will talk about what they thought. Following the carriage ride we saw two reindeer (poor deer were so tired) and we marveled at the one's large antlers. For us the best part of the adventure was that on the way there... Bug slept. On the way home... Sissy slept. We needed that break.
Even with naps they both went down early tonight. Sissy was terrible last night so we told her that tonight she would be having a bath after dinner and then going directly to bed.
After they went to bed it was paperwork for us. Our caseworker has secured permission for us to have Sissy evaluated for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We don't want to use any pharmaceuticals to control her uniqueness, but we do want a fair warning and preparation for what is to come. If you look at her you can see her face structure shows a bit of it and then when you watch her actions, her impulses, you can see more of it. If it ever came that the girls were not to be returned to their biological parents having the diagnosis can be very important to having counseling and treatment covered by that state.
Tough thing about the paperwork - we don't know a lot of the answers. We don't know what her birth was like, how much her bio-mom drank. The survey even asks how many pregnancies her bio-mom had... yeap, we don't know for sure.
Thus is our life though... filling out what we can.
Saturday was a "home day" and we did our normal, laundry, play together, and I worked with the girls and put Christmas lights outside after many requests.
Today was our big adventure day. This morning we had pictures in our Christmas sweaters. Probably some of the best photos that we have had. Perhaps it was helpful that we did them at 9:00! It has been unseasonably warm so we decided to take the girls for a carriage ride. Off we went - a 30 minute car ride for a 15 minute carriage ride. I think they enjoyed it. Often it is difficult to gauge what they think for several days after. Then all of the sudden they will talk about what they thought. Following the carriage ride we saw two reindeer (poor deer were so tired) and we marveled at the one's large antlers. For us the best part of the adventure was that on the way there... Bug slept. On the way home... Sissy slept. We needed that break.
Even with naps they both went down early tonight. Sissy was terrible last night so we told her that tonight she would be having a bath after dinner and then going directly to bed.
After they went to bed it was paperwork for us. Our caseworker has secured permission for us to have Sissy evaluated for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We don't want to use any pharmaceuticals to control her uniqueness, but we do want a fair warning and preparation for what is to come. If you look at her you can see her face structure shows a bit of it and then when you watch her actions, her impulses, you can see more of it. If it ever came that the girls were not to be returned to their biological parents having the diagnosis can be very important to having counseling and treatment covered by that state.
Tough thing about the paperwork - we don't know a lot of the answers. We don't know what her birth was like, how much her bio-mom drank. The survey even asks how many pregnancies her bio-mom had... yeap, we don't know for sure.
Thus is our life though... filling out what we can.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Family Team Meeting
Every quarter there is a family team meeting. Ours was today. It is the chance for the bio-parent(s), the case worker(s), the foster parent(s) all to get together and discuss what is happening and what is the plan.
In our case there are:
The two of us
Our case worker
Our transport worker (Ms. M is so loved by our duo)
7 year old sibling's
Bio-dad
Bio-dad's girlfriend
Her case worker
Teens'
Case worker
Foster parents
Bio-Mom (of all), Bio-Dad (of 4)
All were there except the teens' foster parents and the Bio-Mom and Bio-Dad of the 4. We had expected that the teens' foster parents would not be there as they had a separate meeting the week before. Or should I say scheduled, but the Bios didn't show.
Really?
Our case worker is the worker that is also the case worker for the bio-parents. She spoke with "mom" on the phone the day before because of a missed visit and was assured that she would be at the meeting.
Meeting proceeded without the bios. What we learned is that they have had a change of housing and have moved an hour and a half away. While they expressed to our case worker that this was a surprise she did her homework and found out that they were served papers and the eviction went through the courts so they had plenty of forewarning. If they had been forthcoming with the information there would have been some assistance available, but since they were not and not exactly honest the assistance is not really there.
Other issues with the move include their ability to follow through with other requirements and services. A lot of bio-parents in this situation are required to undergo regular drug screening and maintain sobriety. Both of those services are here. The sobriety can be done almost anywhere, but the drug screening... that is very specific.
The case worker for the 7 year old is also the DHHS (Department of Health and Human Services) representative. I'm not saying this is the way it is guaranteed to go, but she did ask us if we would consider permanency.
Needless to say, this has taken a 180 degree turn from reunification to potential TPR (termination of parental rights). If it does go as a TPR it will be a long road. We probably won't see any movement either way for a few months.
In our case there are:
The two of us
Our case worker
Our transport worker (Ms. M is so loved by our duo)
7 year old sibling's
Bio-dad
Bio-dad's girlfriend
Her case worker
Teens'
Case worker
Foster parents
Bio-Mom (of all), Bio-Dad (of 4)
All were there except the teens' foster parents and the Bio-Mom and Bio-Dad of the 4. We had expected that the teens' foster parents would not be there as they had a separate meeting the week before. Or should I say scheduled, but the Bios didn't show.
Really?
Our case worker is the worker that is also the case worker for the bio-parents. She spoke with "mom" on the phone the day before because of a missed visit and was assured that she would be at the meeting.
Meeting proceeded without the bios. What we learned is that they have had a change of housing and have moved an hour and a half away. While they expressed to our case worker that this was a surprise she did her homework and found out that they were served papers and the eviction went through the courts so they had plenty of forewarning. If they had been forthcoming with the information there would have been some assistance available, but since they were not and not exactly honest the assistance is not really there.
Other issues with the move include their ability to follow through with other requirements and services. A lot of bio-parents in this situation are required to undergo regular drug screening and maintain sobriety. Both of those services are here. The sobriety can be done almost anywhere, but the drug screening... that is very specific.
The case worker for the 7 year old is also the DHHS (Department of Health and Human Services) representative. I'm not saying this is the way it is guaranteed to go, but she did ask us if we would consider permanency.
Needless to say, this has taken a 180 degree turn from reunification to potential TPR (termination of parental rights). If it does go as a TPR it will be a long road. We probably won't see any movement either way for a few months.
We will try to write...
Here is the deal.
We have been busy. I also just have neglected writing. There is a lot to catch up on and we will try to backdate and fill things in. So, if you want you can read from here forward, or you can look at what has happened in October and November as we piece in the details.
We have been busy. I also just have neglected writing. There is a lot to catch up on and we will try to backdate and fill things in. So, if you want you can read from here forward, or you can look at what has happened in October and November as we piece in the details.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Family Visits
Today I ripped a bag of Doritos from my 2 year old's hands. I'm sorry, but a full giant bag of Doritos is not an appropriate bag of snacks to send your kid home from your visit.
The aftermath of family visits is just ugly. They are to keep the bond between the bioparents and the kids, but what it results is a foster parent's nightmare. After an hour of wild uncontrolled play we get to pull them back to reality and bring behavior back into a realistic realm. I'm not the one that has to be there during visits... luckily we have a transport worker that picks them up at school and then Squirrel gets there for the last 15 minutes or so and just has to wait for them. The visit was so rowdy today that the building security guard had a broken glass alarm.
Squirrel gets them home and then lets them run outside as long as possible. Once we get in the house we have to move on to dinner as quickly as possible to throw that anchor down. Telling them what is for dinner when we drop them off to school helps them plan for their night and their beds.
Back to the Doritos... they were so prized by Bug because her "daddy" gave them to her. He could give her so many better things for her wee little body. For the same cost as that bag of chips he could have bought a bag of apples. All his girls love apples. They also eat carrots like crazy. Cucumbers would be an option. Something with any nutritional value would be appreciated. This is super important to us with Bug right now. I'm afraid there may be something amiss with her growth. This week her WIC appointment put her at 4% for her height. With all the chips Bug ate she ate absolutely no protein for dinner.
All night has been screaming for mommy and daddy which I then put her in the "calm down chair" followed by her wanting to be close. Sissy is saying over and over again how much she wants to live here. I'm just waiting for 8:30 so that they go to bed. This behavior isn't their fault and I just need them to sleep.
The aftermath of family visits is just ugly. They are to keep the bond between the bioparents and the kids, but what it results is a foster parent's nightmare. After an hour of wild uncontrolled play we get to pull them back to reality and bring behavior back into a realistic realm. I'm not the one that has to be there during visits... luckily we have a transport worker that picks them up at school and then Squirrel gets there for the last 15 minutes or so and just has to wait for them. The visit was so rowdy today that the building security guard had a broken glass alarm.
Squirrel gets them home and then lets them run outside as long as possible. Once we get in the house we have to move on to dinner as quickly as possible to throw that anchor down. Telling them what is for dinner when we drop them off to school helps them plan for their night and their beds.
Back to the Doritos... they were so prized by Bug because her "daddy" gave them to her. He could give her so many better things for her wee little body. For the same cost as that bag of chips he could have bought a bag of apples. All his girls love apples. They also eat carrots like crazy. Cucumbers would be an option. Something with any nutritional value would be appreciated. This is super important to us with Bug right now. I'm afraid there may be something amiss with her growth. This week her WIC appointment put her at 4% for her height. With all the chips Bug ate she ate absolutely no protein for dinner.
All night has been screaming for mommy and daddy which I then put her in the "calm down chair" followed by her wanting to be close. Sissy is saying over and over again how much she wants to live here. I'm just waiting for 8:30 so that they go to bed. This behavior isn't their fault and I just need them to sleep.
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