Reward Stickers

The girls had their visit yesterday.  It was a surprise to all of us.  Just when we feel like the bioparents are going to fail us they start succeeding... then when we feel like they will succeed, they fail.  So, needless to say, the successful visit yesterday was a surprise.

We never know after a visit if the girls will have an appetite or not.  I definitely did. Somehow shuffling everyone out the door I never pack my own lunches.  My coffee and two packs of crackers for morning snacks for the girls are all I can manage.  When you roll in and have no idea of what the appetite will be it is difficult to plan what to make.  Last night I went with the easy route.  Leftover ham (which we have so much of), eggs and toast.  Even without an appetite the girls always will eat eggs.  I guess that is important so they get some protein after their sugar high at the visit.  

After dinner I needed a few minutes before becoming the evening's entertainment so I pulled out some single serve instant puddings and milk.  It kept them at the table and busy for another half hour.  By the time they were done "cooking" and eating I had dishes done and we were ready to move to the next thing... Thank you "notes"

Last week we received some amazing gifts from Operation Christmas Child (I think that is the name of it).  I thought we would get a few little things... They hooked the girls up!  The gifts are overly generous.  We were lucky we took the truck to that meeting as the gifts would not have fit in the car.  Our thank you notes were colored pictures.  We still have to finish them, but it was a good time for all four of us to sit down together.  There are so many things that Bug will sit down for that she gets some good one on one attention that Sissy just doesn't have the patience for.  Coloring has flipped it around.  Sissy sat so well (or as well as she will) and Bug went off and did her own thing.  Nearly every day Bug will sit for a book or three so her wondering off during coloring gave us some good calm time with Sissy.  While it won't be every night, we may have to put some coloring time in more often to see what it can do for her.

After coloring the chaos started for Sissy.  Her little body just can't be controlled.  The spinning the flopping around just all around manic movement.  Luckily for us it was only a half hour before bed (they go down at 7:30) so we sat back and watched and let it happen.  Oh, how I hope that we can keep working with her to help her cope with her random behaviors.  It seems so strange to us that the 2 year old has such better management over herself than the 4 year old.

Earlier this month we visited the Art Museum.

Have I told you about the fact that our clock "dings" we love it as the girls can't tell time so we can always say "next bell is bedtime" and they listen fairly well.  Bedtime was smooth.  We just returned to a reward system.  This time around it is stickers.  We tried fuzzys before, but they wanted to play with them too much.  Now with stickers they have their own book, the sticker(s) go in it and they can look at them and we don't have to have larger rewards later.  

This morning was a great one and proof that the stickers work.  Yesterday we had no teeth brushing and we had a lot of prompting to get ready for school and thus when we did rewards last night we focused on that.  Today Sissy was dressed before me and thus no prompting at all.  Shoes were on the right feet (she knows, she just likes the attention that the wrong feet get her) and we brushed our teeth like champs!  Brushing hair had no arguments either.

With all the chaos that is happening we have also started to grab that bit of time right when the girls go to bed and we still have a little energy.  I gave squirrel the option of shopping or cleaning at 7:30.  That one hour without kids we can get so much done even if it is just running out for more baby-wipes and vacuuming without competing without a helper.  I won the rock-paper-scissors so I got to go out.  The toy section was wonderful without extra hands and we did finally get the perfect Christmas gift for our little neighbor.

This afternoon is Sissy's parent teacher conference.  I hope she is a good kid for them, but I also hope that they see some of the issues we see so that we can keep pushing forward to help this kid get the services she will need as she grows.

Emotionally Tired

I'm struggling a little right now.  Not overwhelmed, but more tired than usual.

We finished a big push at work and I thought things would slow down before the holidays (and having the girls all day without day care).  Work has slowed down, but now everything else loads on top.

Squirrel's mom took a spill a few weeks ago and has a broken ankle so she is in care right now.  It has been a few weeks and now we have to get ready for when she is sent home.  Her apartment is not wheelchair ready so we need to get some work done over there, but finding the time is the difficult part.  How do you parse through someone else's belongings?  How do you do it with two toddlers in tow?  Maybe that is it!  If we take the girls, maybe we will just fly right through it because we can't take our time.

The holidays bring more action for the girls... so many things we want to do and so many commitments.  Holiday parties for work, the agency, school along with concerts and other things give us so little down time.  I have two concerts this week, however if we travel (see below) I will have to get my music to my fellow players.

Cookies, are you serious you want me to bake cookies for school.  I don't think so.

Oh, and school decided that there would be no school this Thursday, but there will be next week.  Yeah, I'm that parent who already put my vacation in weeks ago.  The school swap is not cool with me.  I honestly would love to pull the girls from the school.  It is the little paperwork crap that is the proverbial straw.  Today I had to send in income verification AGAIN.  The convenience of the school is fantastic and the girls love it, however their office and the guessing game of "what will our bill be this month" make me really question if we will use them again with our next placement.

We then have the emotional roller coaster of the girls no longer looking at reunification being asked for next month.  They will likely go home at some time, just not as quickly as thought.  With that though, visits are hit and miss, the girls know what is supposed to be happening and what isn't and they are becoming very irritable because of it.

Top that off with my grandmother is in hospice.  We thought she would pass this last weekend.  Family was gathered.  Since I knew I would regret not checking... I figured I would ask our caseworker if there was a chance that we could travel with the girls.  It would have been easier had she said no.  I feel as though I am responsible to go and I would regret not going, however it would be so much easier to stay home.

Now here we are... holidays are almost here.  Every other day we play the guessing game if the girls will have a visit or not.  The apartment isn't cleaning itself.  I have a house sitter lined up if we travel.  The travel depends on what days.  There has been no word on my grandmother, but we will just take this all one day at a time.  For now all I can do is make dinner, do the dishes and keep the house tidy as though we will use the house-sitter tomorrow.

Memories and FAS paperwork

Squirrel decided to be brave on Friday and take the girls to one of my concerts.  I have managed to take them to a concert on my own with success...  Squirrel has declared that it will never happen again.  They really didn't get to hear much.  They did however explore the church, walk around the parking lot and just keep busy in general.

Saturday was a "home day" and we did our normal, laundry, play together, and I worked with the girls and put Christmas lights outside after many requests.

Today was our big adventure day.  This morning we had pictures in our Christmas sweaters.  Probably some of the best photos that we have had.  Perhaps it was helpful that we did them at 9:00!  It has  been unseasonably warm so we decided to take the girls for a carriage ride.  Off we went - a 30 minute car ride for a 15 minute carriage ride.  I think they enjoyed it.  Often it is difficult to gauge what they think for several days after.  Then all of the sudden they will talk about what they thought.  Following the carriage ride we saw two reindeer (poor deer were so tired) and we marveled at the one's large antlers.  For us the best part of the adventure was that on the way there... Bug slept.  On the way home... Sissy slept.  We needed that break.

Even with naps they both went down early tonight.  Sissy was terrible last night so we told her that tonight she would be having a bath after dinner and then going directly to bed.

After they went to bed it was paperwork for us.  Our caseworker has secured permission for us to have Sissy evaluated for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  We don't want to use any pharmaceuticals to control her uniqueness, but we do want a fair warning and preparation for what is to come.  If you look at her you can see her face structure shows a bit of it and then when you watch her actions, her impulses, you can see more of it.  If it ever came that the girls were not to be returned to their biological parents having the diagnosis can be very important to having counseling and treatment covered by that state.

Tough thing about the paperwork - we don't know a lot of the answers.  We don't know what her birth was like, how much her bio-mom drank.  The survey even asks how many pregnancies her bio-mom had... yeap, we don't know for sure.

Thus is our life though... filling out what we can.

Family Team Meeting

Every quarter there is a family team meeting.  Ours was today.  It is the chance for the bio-parent(s), the case worker(s), the foster parent(s) all to get together and discuss what is happening and what is the plan.

In our case there are:

The two of us
Our case worker
Our transport worker (Ms. M is so loved by our duo)

7 year old sibling's
Bio-dad
Bio-dad's girlfriend
Her case worker

Teens'
Case worker
Foster parents

Bio-Mom (of all), Bio-Dad (of 4)

All were there except the teens' foster parents and the Bio-Mom and Bio-Dad of the 4.  We had expected that the teens' foster parents would not be there as they had a separate meeting the week before.  Or should I say scheduled, but the Bios didn't show.

Really?

Our case worker is the worker that is also the case worker for the bio-parents.  She spoke with "mom" on the phone the day before because of a missed visit and was assured that she would be at the meeting.

Meeting proceeded without the bios.  What we learned is that they have had a change of housing and have moved an hour and a half away.  While they expressed to our case worker that this was a surprise she did her homework and found out that they were served papers and the eviction went through the courts so they had plenty of forewarning.  If they had been forthcoming with the information there would have been some assistance available, but since they were not and not exactly honest the assistance is not really there.

Other issues with the move include their ability to follow through with other requirements and services.  A lot of bio-parents in this situation are required to undergo regular drug screening and maintain sobriety.  Both of those services are here.  The sobriety can be done almost anywhere, but the drug screening... that is very specific.

The case worker for the 7 year old is also the DHHS (Department of Health and Human Services) representative.  I'm not saying this is the way it is guaranteed to go, but she did ask us if we would consider permanency.

Needless to say, this has taken a 180 degree turn from reunification to potential TPR (termination of parental rights).  If it does go as a TPR it will be a long road.  We probably won't see any movement either way for a few months.

We will try to write...

Here is the deal.

We have been busy.  I also just have neglected writing.  There is a lot to catch up on and we will try to backdate and fill things in.  So, if you want you can read from here forward, or you can look at what has happened in October and November as we piece in the details.

Family Visits

Today I ripped a bag of Doritos from my 2 year old's hands.  I'm sorry, but a full giant bag of Doritos is not an appropriate bag of snacks to send your kid home from your visit.

The aftermath of family visits is just ugly.  They are to keep the bond between the bioparents and the kids, but what it results is a foster parent's nightmare.  After an hour of wild uncontrolled play we get to pull them back to reality and bring behavior back into a realistic realm.  I'm not the one that has to be there during visits... luckily we have a transport worker that picks them up at school and then Squirrel gets there for the last 15 minutes or so and just has to wait for them.  The visit was so rowdy today that the building security guard had a broken glass alarm.

Squirrel gets them home and then lets them run outside as long as possible.  Once we get in the house we have to move on to dinner as quickly as possible to throw that anchor down.  Telling them what is for dinner when we drop them off to school helps them plan for their night and their beds.

Back to the Doritos... they were so prized by Bug because her "daddy" gave them to her.  He could give her so many better things for her wee little body.  For the same cost as that bag of chips he could have bought a bag of apples.  All his girls love apples.  They also eat carrots like crazy.  Cucumbers would be an option.  Something with any nutritional value would be appreciated.  This is super important to us with Bug right now.  I'm afraid there may be something amiss with her growth.  This week her WIC appointment put her at 4% for her height.  With all the chips Bug ate she ate absolutely no protein for dinner.

All night has been screaming for mommy and daddy which I then put her in the "calm down chair" followed by her wanting to be close.  Sissy is saying over and over again how much she wants to live here.  I'm just waiting for 8:30 so that they go to bed.  This behavior isn't their fault and I just need them to sleep.

Making plans, creating anchors

Well, we now have a streak of two weeks of family visits.  I don't know if I should be enthusiastic and feel like this is a family that is getting their lives together or if I should be the skeptic that says this is just because court is looming in a week and half.

Today we tried a new tactic.  After every visit we deal with behavior issues.  Some because the kids are confused and others are because our rules do not apply in a family visit so they get away with pure chaos.  We can't take away the chaos of the visit, but we can start offering the anchor to help them with their confusion.  Sissy is a planner.  She thrives on knowing what will happen in the next hour, next day and even next week.  As an example: Tuesday night we told her she had an "appointment" the next morning to find out how she is growing.  The following morning she was up, getting dressed and ready for her appointment.  On Friday nights we tell her there is no school the next day and she wakes up the next morning and knows that she does not need to ready herself for school.  Every Friday when they are dropped off at school they know that in the evening we will have tacos.  They expect to be picked up in the truck and don't like it when I come in the car.  They thrive on plans.

Today when I took them to school we talked about dinner.  We have both enchiladas and spaghetti leftovers to eat.  I asked what they wanted and they both wanted spaghetti.  We made the plan.  I told their transport worker when she informed me that the visit would happen that we would have spaghetti for dinner.

After the visit... they were ready for their spaghetti.  They understood where they were going, they knew the next thing in their day.  Bug was a little clingy after the visit, but there were no behavior issues.  Giving the kids the plan for the evening helped them focus and know where their home is tonight.  This is going to force me to meal plans, but the anchor for the kids will be worth it.

In other happenings: while the girls were playing with their kitchen tonight they decided that they would call Squirrel "mommy".  They have learned that "mommy" is more than a name, but it is also a role that one plays in the household.  There has been a lot of role play at school and it is happening more at home.  Bug is really into imitating.

We had a WIC (food assistance) appointment the other day (as I said earlier).  Squirrel had to take the girls so that their progress can be monitored.  They also had a blood test to check their iron.  The WIC appointment was actually more helpful than the Dr. appointment they had 3 months ago.  Bug needed 2 more shots (poor kid).  Both girls have a good iron count now.  Apparently they were low at their last appointment (6 months ago).  The folks at WIC are not concerned, but it seems like our Bug is a bit small.  We knew that, but now we have more perspective.  She is in 18 month pants still!  When compared she is in the 4% in height and 23% weight.  The 4% concerns me.  It is small on its own, but her family is not made up of tiny short people.  The weight does not surprise me as I feed her very well and she is not a picky eater.  I am responsible for giving her a little round belly.  On the flip side, Sissy is at 80% height and 88% weight.  Most of Sissy's 5T pants are fitting her well.  The folks at WIC took a lot more time to talk with Squirrel about the girls' health than the Dr. did.  We have to go back every 3 months to renew the food benefits, but the girls go back in 6 months.

Tiny Hulk

My poor angry Bug.  We are now at a record streak for parent and family visits and that has thrown our behavior in a tailspin.  The behavior isn't just at home, but she is also acting out at school.  She is defiant one minute and then clinging to you like a spider monkey the next (not that I have any clue what a spider monkey really does).

The only explanations we have for this behavior is: 1. she is two, and 2. the parent visits.  With Sissy we are having a few minor issues, but we are able to sit down and talk.  Bug is not at that point yet.  She tries, but can't have a serious conversation.  When topics are lighter she can just sit and have a chat, but when you ask how she is feeling she pushes away and storms off.

This isn't just a little anger, but this is her tiny Hulk inside her.  The growl comes from deep and it is unlike her other fussing.  We hadn't seen it in weeks, weeks since she would ball her little fists and be so angry.

Her lashing out is starting to be directed at us.  Particularly at times we have to care for her.  Dressing and diapers are terrible times.  Our usual happy to wear anything kid is becoming particular.  If you aren't careful you may be hit when putting on pajamas.  Changing a diaper is met with brutal kicks.

At school the behavior is coming out as not listening... I fear that the anger will be released there soon.  I am afraid that the daily reports that come back are no longer going to have the happy box checked.

We worked so hard over the past 4 months to help these girls find joy and laughter.  Now we are back to fighting off angry outbursts.

Typically we try to ignore the bad behavior as most is attention seeking.  It has helped guide them to good, normal behavior.  We also are extremely focused on good behavior and giving attention at those times.  Back rubs are given when sitting still, hugs randomly when playing nice... all reinforcements.  When Bug has her angry fits I am unable to ignore like the purposely bad behavior.  It is like she can't control the tiny Hulk.  I take her little body and quietly hold it tight as she struggles and is so tense and she finally melts and is back to herself.  You can just feel the tension in her.

I can't wait for the next court date to arrive.  Maybe then the visits will start to be missed again and we can have our happy little toddler back.

What to say...

You know how you have those times when you don't know what to say?  Like when a card comes around the office and you just sign your name as you don't know what expression to put with it.

Our most often greeting from friends upon meeting our girls and one that we are most uncomfortable with is "Congratulations"

We don't keep track of who says it, and it takes us back a moment, but we quickly get over it.  Congratulations isn't the right word though.

You see, our girls came through horrendous situations.  It would be wonderful if this job of ours wasn't needed.  This is and isn't what we want.  This is and isn't an instant family.  This is above and beyond all a job, a responsibility, something that we were driven to because we felt it was right, but unsure why.

Now we have two beautiful little girls that we have to take care of today and prepare them for their unknown tomorrow.

Really, if the bioparents really did what they are/were supposed to we either wouldn't have them in the first place or we would be giving them back in early October.

This is one of those situations... one which I would just sign my name on the card and pass it on as I don't know what to say, but from this side, Congratulations just doesn't feel right.

Maybe the most heartfelt reaction ever to meeting the girls has been from folks that have experienced foster care first hand.  Took the girls to see a friend this weekend and they loved him... He just told us "thank you for what you are doing, this means a lot to me"

16 weeks and nearly 4 months

Sorry, I've been slacking on the writing lately.  It isn't that I don't have things I want to write about.  I just don't want to take the time at the end of the day.

I suppose it would be easier if I just wrote something short every day, but oh well... I haven't.

October 7th is the next court date for the girls' bioparents.  As such, our world is now being tossed upside down.  After missing 7 weeks of visits we now have had every single visit this week.  Three parent visits and one sibling visit.  The sibling visit is great.  The parent visits are what throw the girls into behavior tailspins.  Even Bug's teacher has remarked on how her behavior has been abnormal this week.

Week before last our caseworker finally had a call back from the biomom.  A family team meeting was set up, biomom produced her letter stating that she is lice-free and is pretending she is actually doing something so that the next court date doesn't result in a change of goals from reunification to termination.  The following day she skipped her visit.  We weren't so lucky this week.  Up until this week we didn't have a single week where she made all her visits.  

When she did finally have her visit she told Sissy that she had been "in the hospital" and Sissy came home feeling sorry for her.  I'm not letting those things slide.  While I won't tell Sissy the whole story I did tell her the truth.  I know that she was not in the hospital.  I'm tech-savvy and know the web address to the biomom's facebook page.  She is fine... actually posting some pictures of herself in a "Rehab 86" shirt.  Not the best image for someone that should be getting her poop in a group.  Up until this point we have not told the girls in advance when a visit is happening, but since Sissy thrives on logic and information we laid it all out for her.  

"We have been working really hard to try to set up visits with mommy.  Her visits are to be Monday, Tuesdays and Thursdays, but before the visit mommy is to call and say she will be there.  She hasn't been calling"  Then on Friday, Sissy asked if they would be seeing mommy and I said no, it is Friday, and it is our taco night... to which she responded "okay" and was unfazed.  

This week it seems like Sissy is very unsure of her living situation.  Nearly every day we get a hug and she tells us that she likes living here.  It is so hard for a three year old to express that she is afraid of going back.  

The sibling visit today was good for the girls.  I don't like that the 7 year old's family pushes us to find out if we would adopt the girls.  We are only 4 months into this journey and reunification is still the goal.  Her father asked me today if we would continue sibling visits and I just had to tell him that I don't know, we aren't even near a point of termination of rights.  While I think the relationships are important for the girls, I also think that they can pull them backwards too.  One of the great things with the visit was that the two teens spent some quality time with us.  We weren't super chummy, but we weren't ignored and avoided.  They sat at the same picnic tables, we were able to ask about school, we shared the responsibilities of the little ones... they helped put our girls in the car.  I wish that it would be safe for us to have them come visit at our house, but with them maintaining electronic contact with their biomom I just can't have them know where our house is.  We don't need any surprise visits. That is also why we don't teach our kids our address... we don't need a toddler spouting out the address to the bios at a family visit.  They say the darnest things and that would be something they are proud of and would tell everyone.  Instead they are good at landmarks.  When we drive and walk we ask them what they see and recognize.  They can tell where our favorite restaurant is, where I work, where they go to school, and how to get home from the local convenience store.  

Let's see what tomorrow brings... I'm not going to place any bets on whether or not the bios will call for their visit.  

14 weeks...

Only one day left.  This week the girls had no day care so I had to burn a week of vacation to take care of them.  We really need to get a few more folks certified as care givers, but the challenge is, who wants to take two rowdy little todders for an 8 hour shift?  Our neighbors have taken them for our race a few weeks ago, but that was when both of them were home.  With that in mind we would need 10 more caregivers in order to cover a week without taking time off of work.  Looks like I will be taking time off as these odd days come up.  Looks like we have some time before our next "break"though.

Monday was a good day and Squirrel worked a half day so we could go visit a friend.  It was fantastic.  The girls got to ride on the pontoon, swim in shallow water, and then we went on jet skis! These two are fearless.  We also watched snakes that were on the rocks at the edge of the water.  Nice thing for us was that with 4 other adults around we were able to just sit back and watch.  We are always so engaged with the girls that it is exhausting.  More and more we work on getting them to play without the need for us to be always present, but it is short lived.

Tuesday through Thursday were a blur.  A toddler filled blur.  We tried to go to the Children's Museum, but it is closed for most of the month (they could have notified their members), and didn't have a good alternative so we did lunch (tacos) with one of my co-workers.  Sissy was not on good behavior, not that she was completely awful, but it was not nearly as good as she usually is.  We played outside, we played with playdough, we chased bugs, we took naps, I longed for day care.

We had a case worker visit this week.  It was fine as usual.  Mostly just a restart of visits (potentially) and a start of regular sibling visits.  Apparently the biomom has emerged from her month of not returning calls and is ready to maybe start things back up.  I'm not holding my breath.  Sibling visits are now twice a month.

The next court date is set... Part of me wants there to be no progress to reunification so that termination can begin and the other part of me wants some progress to happen.  It is a hard position as we love these two, but on a week as exhausting as this one, we want some of our freedom back.

We made a conscious effort to get some of our freedom back this weekend.  I pulled out a 1000 piece puzzle and declared it mine.  I feel like a kid licking a cupcake so a sibling won't eat it.  For the most part the girls respected it.  We did try to take a few toys upstairs to their room, but now we have castles in the hallway as they didn't behave in their room.

Today we had our first sibling visit with the 7 year old and her biodad's family.  The other two siblings were to be there as well, however nobody informed their foster parents of the visit. The 7's family seems alright.  We got more backstory, got to see more pictures.  The aunt says that she has never seen our girls in anything but a diaper before.  Such a sad existence these girls have had.  We also found out that our girls most likely had their lice for over a year!

After our family visit we had some hotdogs and then went swimming!  The girls did great.  Bug didn't want to be in the water as much as be around it, but Sissy was in it and loved it.  She didn't panic at all this time.  Usually we have a few times which we have to put her out of the water because in a panic she injures one of us, but today she was great.  After our swim it was nap time (reluctantly at first) of which Sissy slept for an hour and Bug 15 minutes so she and I went shopping.  JoAnn's has all their Halloween stuff out so Bug spent much of the time imitating Squirrel's spider scream and then giggling that spiders aren't scary.

We had our favorite for dinner (tater tot casserole) and then the meltdowns began again.  My neighbors must all think I am a terrible parent leading my bawling toddler down the street after a mid walk fit.  Well, she isn't really bawling, she just wants attention so we have to ignore it and the more we do the less we get.  We flip back and forth between attention for good and then withdraw for the bad.  It is like a test of wills between us and a toddler that will scream louder and louder as well as become physically more and more in your space.  It is only her behaving as she knew, but we have such a small window to correct it.  We do have Bug corrected so that generally she knows that good behavior gets the attention.  Today she behaved so well that she got to stay up later and we looked at pictures together.

Only one more day of vacation to survive... wish me luck.

Also, if you are counting, the girls haven't seen their bioparents in 6 weeks.

School Registration

There are free options for day care for the girls... namely Head Start.  We don't really have a lot of experience with them, but based on some conversations I have had with others that have looked into them and then also because there are other requirements (more home visits) that happen when your child is in the program we opted to pick up part of the tab for our girls for other daycare/school options.  It isn't that we don't like home visits, but we have enough already.

Today I had my first true experience with Head Start.  Sissy is going to get into the early program for Pre-K and our daycare/school is a participant.  Trick is, in order to qualify for "ours" one must first be waived out of the Head Start program.  I didn't know this until I was wondering at school last week what the hold-up on acceptance was and they then informed me that the waiver was needed (I'm not proud of our school's administration either, but the teachers are awesome).  They did however double check the system to make sure that Sissy's name wasn't in and needing approval.  So I called Head Start today.  While very nice, they were not aware that a three year old qualifies if the birthday is early enough in the fall and they apparently have not recently checked the system to see if they needed to accept anyone.  *sigh*

Okay... so here is my thought on this.  The income for this program is VERY low to be accepted.  For a family of 4 the guaranteed acceptance is 24k or lower.  Families in this bracket probably need a lot of help.  These families are most likely not calling the school to check on their qualifications.  Especially since the website you register on is not a Head Start website.  For those of us first time round in the foster system this is also quite tricky.  If there is a second go around with this I now know who to contact.  While our "family" income puts us not in the bracket, the girls are not governed by our status.

I'm writing this right now while supervising "rest time" and the quote of the moment is "Bug, don't eat your bed."  There is the distinct possibility by the end of this week that she will no longer have a bed frame as I will take it away if necessary.

I'm going to give the waiver 24 hours and then the girls and I will go to their school tomorrow to turn in paperwork and check on the status.  We are still waiting on DHS to pick up half the cost (school is going to backdate their bill for us), but if we can get Sissy in the free program that would help immensely.  This paying nearly a paycheck a month for daycare is a bit much, but then again, if we didn't go with them I probably would have lost my mind by now.  I credit their school for potty training, colors, numbers, recognizing alphabets, decreasing separation anxiety, and really, giving us the ability to do this.

I also gave a call to Quicken this morning.  They have been getting some great reviews and they just sent info with some reasonable rates for home refi and from a friend's experience they are super easy to work with.  We are on track to refi for 15 years (I have 20 left on my current) and have lower payments.  That would be super awesome and I would even be able to shave that 15 down more since I always overpay on my home loan.  What is even more awesome is that they guarantee their own loans so that I won't have to work with the bank my mortgage is currently with and a customer service nightmare!

Well, the girls are both now asleep for their naps, so I can get up from this floor.  My project list is long and it now includes more laundry as the very recently cleaned sheets are extremely dirty because how much ALL the animals love Sissy.

Sibling Visit

Sunday morning was the family visit and all 5 of the siblings were to get together to play at the park.  We were there with our 2 and the oldest 2 were there.  It would have been nice to see the 7 year old to see how she is doing with her dad.

Not having the biodad of the 7 year old there was kinda nice though.  While the kids all played we were able to talk with the foster parents of the teens.

These people are amazing.  They have 6 kids right now ages 11 to 17.  Their biokids are grown and they just continue to take teens in and continue to support their bio, adopted, and former foster kids well into their adulthood.

Having the teens they are able to have a more concrete picture of what life was like for all our kids.  It was terrible.  I just look at their teens in amazement and just hope that they will be able to put their lives together.  The oldest just turned 17.  She is at a 10th grade education level because of truancy.  It doesn't seem that there are any learning disabilities, but she is so broken inside.  After all she had to live with she feels that she is responsible for all of them going into care. When her biomother reached her after her attempted suicide she told her that she was going to be locked up in a mental institution for the rest of her life and thus she ran.  This family was being tracked by CPS for years.  I am angry that it took this long to rescue these children, but the oldest still thinks it was her fault.

In addition to being academically behind another concrete example of the neglect was the crazy amount of dental work she needed to have done.  Four root canals, crowns, cavities.  The poor girl.  Her brother (15) had 15 cavities.

The entire visit the oldest avoided us.  Stayed on the playground and didn't come near us.  I hope that as we visit this changes.  While the bioparents may loose their rights I don't want the young woman to feel that the two that are with us will never see her again.  Depending on how things go at the next visit or two we may even consider having them come visit here over the holidays since their foster dad works in town and may be able to drop them off for the day.

Brother... now he has some further issues.  He was told by his mother since he was 2 years old that he is bi-polar, and thus he behaves in such a manner.  She also told him that she drank and it is obvious that he has fetal alcohol.  He came over and visited with us a bit and doesn't seem as scared or angry with us.  Poor guy gets stuck on stories.  We heard over and over again about his cat he left behind and how she is now pregnant because the bioparents left her outside.  When he came into care all he had with him was his X-Box.  That was how he lived.  In a basement with a small path to his pallet that he slept on with his X-Box and cat.  The kid needed to be taught how to play outside, how to ride a bike, how to interact with people.  We did learn that he loves to draw and will spend hours drawing Mario (from video games).  He doesn't realize how similar he is to our Sissy.

With all the challenges we have with the little ones I can't imagine tackling these with teens.  The teens foster dad has to deal with issues such as teaching how to bathe, but also having to respect a teens privacy and not coming across as a creeper.  We have to keep the fridge locked to not have all the food eaten (not such an issue now), but they have locks and keys on all their food or their 6 would binge and eat everything.  They have to deal with electronics, keeping cell phones out of the hands of their kids, managing video games, TV time and we only have to scan to see that Daniel Tiger isn't talking about family.  If we think it is hard, I can't imagine what 6 teens would be like.

Hopefully over the next few weeks we are able to break down some walls with the 17 year old.  Every week that goes by is a further indication that the bioparents may lose their parental rights and if that happens I really would like to have a separate relationship with the teens so that they all don't lose each other.  That is another thing we got insight on from the foster parents.  They have been doing this for years so they have a pretty good read on how cases are going... they don't see it going in the bioparents' favor.

Twelve Weeks done

Our normal has really sunk in so I don't feel the need to vent as much, but I am also writing this for those other foster parents to stumble upon to find their normal.  Along this journey we have also found that others don't understand the foster issues either (as we didn't fully until completely immersed) and this has really helped folks we know step forward and help the foster community.

So... on to what has been happening since our post a week and a half ago.

12 weeks passed since the girls have arrived.  The 29th of this month is exactly 3 months.

4 weeks have passed since the girls saw their bioparents.

3 weeks have passed since our last court date in which the bioparents were told they had to take care of their headlice issue and visits were suspended.

These have been some nice quiet 4 weeks.  Without the bioparent visits we have seen so little regression it is fantastic.  Every week though the reality sets in deeper and deeper that even though reunification is a goal in fostering it looks like our girls are more likely to stay with us.  Either that or we will have so much time with them that it will be super hard to let go... each week we grow tighter and tighter.  Here are some stats on foster care (2013) https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/foster.pdf .  Notice that there are nearly half a million children in care and just over half go back to their bioparents.  Squirrel and I have had that conversation.  A few weeks ago we were unsure, but after these last uninterruped 4 weeks we cannot see disrupting the girls lives and sending them to another home if their bios don't make the changes necessary.

For a recap of the past week and a half... 

Friday, August 14 - That morning I learned that you do not leave facepaint on overnight... even if it is "washable" as Sissy was sporting some pink "eyeshadow" for a few days.  We did our traditional dinner out for Mexican.  Afterward we walked around the artwalk downtown.  The girls did extremely well for their first time in a gallery, however, now that they know that there are cookies there we will never be able to pass up the gallery during art walk again.  During our walk we went by what may be Sissy's favorite artist.  He does spray paint planets.  Sissy just dropped right down next to him and watched him do an entire piece.  We will have to swing by during next month's walk and secretly buy her one for her birthday in October.  After that we were risking it with a storm so we quickly returned to our car and made it just in time.  We did get drenched when going from the car to the house however.  Bug was also extremely upset when I went back outside to move the car forward and put the truck in the driveway (we don't risk leaving it under our roadside tree).  Since it was still early we then were a little risky and pulled out some legos!  It went well for about half an hour, but then we had to put them away when Sissy pooped her pants.  We have certain things that are only for
"big girls" and we loose those priveliges when we blatently have issues.  

Saturday, August 15 - Up early we decided to run off some energy and go to the Children's Museum.  Last time we visited we got the family pass and the girls were too manic to stay more than 45 minutes... this time we stayed for two hours!  It was also nice to allow the girls to play dress up at all the stations and not worry about infecting other children with our creepy crawlies.  Later that evening we risked it and went to see The Cat in The Hat at the local theatre.  We prepped by reading the book for several days.  This was a huge risk considering they are only 2 and 3 and we spent a quarter of our week's allowance from the state on just this show.  We allowed the girls to dress up and off we went.  The wait to go in was difficult as was the wait for the show.  We luckily had second row seats since I bought the tickets as soon as I thought the girls would be able to handle it.  The girls did really well.  There was laughter, there was rapt attention... there was extreme fear when the lights went all the way down.  Seriously?  Who turns ALL the lights down at a show designed for children?  If I would have expected this at all we would have had glow sticks or something to have ready.  We recovered, we did well for the show, and now we are battling the girls wanting to stand on a ball like The Cat.

A few days after the show it was raining so Sissy (unprompted) was pretending she was Sally and even saying some of the lines she had memorized.

Sunday, August 16 - It was going to be a brutally hot day, so why not go to the zoo?  Actually, the girls are up so early that we were able to get to the zoo before the heat of day fully hit.  It opens at 10 and we were there by 10:30.  This time around we chose not to take a stroller, but we did pack a few snacks and water.  Two hours... yes, two full hours of attention!  We barely made an hour last time we were there and we pulled them out ready to have tantrums.  This time we rode the carousel three times, the train twice, walked the entire zoo, and not a single issue.  After the zoo we decided to try out McDonald's.  We never eat there, but since the girls seemed to know it we figured we would try.  It didn't even phase them.  They seem to know the name, but not the product.  There were no food expectations, no happy meal toy expectations, nothing.  

Monday, August 17 - 

Tuesday, August 18 - Another major milestone.  Sissy went to the dentist!  What a champ.  We chose to take her to our dentist, even though we could have gone with a pediatric dentist.  With all the running we have to do we just need a few things to line up with our normal life.  Everything seems to turn out in the end, and our hygenist happens to specialize in pediatric.  Sissy sat in my lap for her exam and not once flinched, wasn't scared of a thing, and has no dental issues.

Wednesday, August 19 - We have been tossed back and forth between our agencies two caseworkers and this was the first time our current one has been to our house.  Even though we seemed to prefer our other one this visit has been one of our more favorable visits.  It is hard to meet and talk about the girls in code so they don't get completely what is going on (a bonus as if we had older kids we would have to share with them), but we were able to get some very important things done.  Paperwork for DHS Childcare Reimbursement (even the CW didn't know where it goes, but she is going to figure it out for us), Clothing Inventory (we didn't know we don't get our clothing allowance without our inventory until I read the manual), Dental forms and a quick walk through the house.  This was also the first time our CW met our girls.  Now she understands why we show up in court.  We have been pushing for some time for testing for Fetal Alcohol for Sissy.  The previous CW didn't really give us a concrete answer, or even a weak one, she just avoided answering.  When we mentioned it to the new CW she took a really good look at Sissy (who was at the table coloring) and nodded.  She sees it too.  Her challenge is that biomom has to give permission for the testing (seriously, we need her permission to see if she willingly, permanently injured her child).  Fortunatly we know that the CW for the older siblings is pushing it for their brother and we may be able to tag right on to that request.  It was really nice to have some time with the CW, let her meet the girls, hear our concerns and have her answer our questions too.  Some things we wanted were: copies of all court documents (our county is so behind she doesn't even have the copies), info on the next court date (she doesn't have that yet either and it should be in 60 more days), and an update on the bios.  The bios... well, they aren't responding to any calls.  They have been non-responsive since court.  

Thursday, August 20 - As if a Case Worker visit isn't enough excitement for the girls in one week, let's have our licensing visit too!  This was mostly for Squirrel and I.  Every quarter we have a licensing visit and this one is the most formal since our license is new.  Probably probational even.  We were able to give some good feedback on our process (not very smooth) and even give some hints for better training.  Our biggest thing was that new foster parents need guidance through all the paperwork and people they would be working with.  All of our training was focused on the mental health of the children.  Not once was there even a checklist of offices that you would be having to work with when you get kids.  Even a checklist of things to do your first week would have been appreciated. Next up is our training on October 10th and we can move on to our full license in November (which doesn't mean anything new, just a more formal status)

Friday, August 21 - We made it to 12 official weeks.  The passing of a week's milestone really makes me sick about their bioparents.  If these kids were my biokids and I had to work to get them back I would do everything I could.  I just don't think they are doing much of anything.  Really, if the biomom was really going to AA I couldn't imagine her sponsor would just let her ignore the case workers calling her.  The services the bioparents need would all be pushing them to maintain contact with the case workers and take steps, even little ones, at getting their kids back.  We did our traditional Friday event.  We went to Mexican.  Our 12th Friday in a row.  Most times in the same booth.  Soft taco, chicken burrito, rice, beans and a lot of chips and salsa for the girls.  This Friday we did delay a bit and we took the girls to watch a very special race to us.  We all went and cheered on the Special Olympians in their annual races.  I was afraid the girls wouldn't understand that it wasn't for them to run, but somehow they understood and they enjoyed cheering.

Saturday, August 22 - Every year we run our local road race.  Ten miles in August.  This year we were really worried that it wouldn't happen, but our wonderful neighbors took the risk and the girls were able to go to their house for the morning.  They are 2 of our 3 certified care givers for the girls, but we really didn't expect two toddlers when we put in for our license and we didn't expect this much chaos so we haven't been able to leave them before.  Each week our behavior gets better and better so we and the neighbors took a risk and it was worth it.  Sissy behaved wonderfully.  A model citizen.  She has become like others that are a bit risky at home, but for others they are great.  Bug was a bit under the weather so she was super cranky, but did fine.  The girls absolutely adore the neighbors so it is an absolute relief to realize we have finally made it to the point where we can leave them with a babysitter.  When we got home from our run we hung out for a bit... the girls played in water with the neighbors (they have an almost 2 year old) and had some pizza (I am soooo releaved that they fed all of us).  That afternoon we took a nap (some longer than others) and after about a four hour nap we finally had to wake Bug as we had tickets to a minor league baseball game.  Squirrel is a huge fan of baseball and we love the minor league stadium near us.  I had hoped when we bought our tickets that her family would jump on board as we try to go each year around Squirrel's birthday, but nobody joined us.  We bought the tickets in April when her family was talking about a ball game that weekend and while I would have preferred it in July I went for the August tickets instead.  Since we were already in the licensing process I bought four tickets and figured we would use 3 of them and take a guest or 2 plus 2 guests.  Never thought we would need all 4.  Front row seats.  Perfect for the girls.  We gave them the two middle seats and they enjoyed the game, their large orange sodas, hotdogs, and after the game fireworks.  Sitting in the front row we were also able to call the mascot over to give them high fives.  Going into it we expected 5 innings... 6 tops.  We made 8 1/2 (arrived in the middle of the first) and still did fireworks?  These girls are amazing.  At one point I thought we were done though.  Sissy was putting something in her pocket so Bug decided that she wanted to as well.  Unfortunately Bug's pants didn't have pockets so she just started stripping.  That is our Bug.  Give her the opportunity and she will remove all clothes.  

Sunday, August 23 - Family Visit - It is getting late so I will tell you all about this tomorrow.  

Monday, August 24 - rest

11 Weeks

Tomorrow marks 11 weeks... kinda shocking.

It has been 3 weeks today since the girls have seen their bioparents.

It has been 2 weeks since the last court date where the visits were suspended until a letter from the Dr. stating the lice have been taken care of has been provided.

It isn't our fault, but I feel so terrible for the girls.  They have no idea of the situation they were pulled out of and even after a 3 week hiatus from seeing their bios they still ask about them.  Sissy this morning was all a chatter, but she does understand that she "can't live with daddy until he gets his water fixed."  That was as good as I could do.  I am grateful that she is young enough that I don't have to explain what neglect is and how she has been affected by it.

This week we did talk about hunger.  We made some pizzas last weekend and I put one on the table.  Sissy was insistent that we did not eat it all and that we weren't to take the last piece.  I took the pizza.  The poor thing about fell out of her chair bawling (but she didn't leave her seat because she knows that leaving her seat means dinner is done).  I quickly retrieved the second pizza from the kitchen (we eat in a separate dining room) and placed it on the table.  She looked in wonder at it and then I went for the hard questions... I asked my three year old what it was like to not have enough food.  It was the first time we had a direct conversation about hunger.  Not something I would have ever thought would happen with a three year old, but I have learned that many things I have to talk with her as though she is a young adult.  She absorbs these conversations and days later she will bring up pieces of them.

Speaking of dinner... we now have both the girls at the "big table" and have abandoned the high chair.  We added some kaboosts to their chairs and now all of us are able to sit together.

I find that most things I want to write about are in working with Sissy... you see, Bug is just a normal 2 year old... not as scarred.  She doesn't fret about food, shelter, people... she is just a selfish little two year old.

We have started to have a family sit down every weekend to plan the next week's meals.  It is strange how Sissy thrives on having a plan.  We can keep our "adventures" as surprise events, but she must know when we are going on it.  For example, we have already spoken about tomorrow's plans.  In the morning we must wash the face paint off our face and then we will go to school (clothes are already laid out and she knows what she is wearing).  We will then be at school all day, but we will bring a picture of her face painting to show her teacher.  After school we will go out for burritos (we used to say tacos, but then we can't convince her to eat a burrito and they are so much more toddler friendly) and then have an adventure before bed.  She will remember it all.

Today we went on an adventure after school (thus the face painting) and when it was time to go home she remarked that we had to have tater-tot casserole... we told her yesterday.  There may be a time when we will have to follow written plans as it will make her feel comfortable and that is the only way we will remember what we said we are doing!

During tonight's adventure we saw some traditional Mexican dancers.  The girls were fascinated!  It is awesome to see them watch the world around them.  We try very hard to show them a lot of diversity, but when we stumbled upon something from their heritage it was wonderful that they enjoyed it.  I'm sure that their direct biofamily isn't terribly involved in the community, but we hope that we are able to give them some sort of heritage.

Their attention span at the adventure was amazing!  We were probably there for two hours which bodes well for this weekend's trip to the theater.  At one stop there was a storyteller and Sissy stayed for the whole thing.  Bug of course needed to wander at the end.

Not only does Sissy do planning, but she also is very much into trying to please... I feel terrible because I know she is doing it because she thinks that is how she gets the love and doesn't quite understand that it comes unconditionally, but it is good because she follows through with things for us.  This week we started wearing our coats to school in the morning and when Sissy didn't bring it home I asked her to bring it every day as that is our only fall coat and we need it... she hasn't forgotten it since.  Tonight I spoke with her about how I found her in her bed last night and I would bet a hundred dollars that she will never sleep as I found her again.  She was halfway off her bed and on the windowsill.

The good and the bad bathroom adventures

    July 23rd, that's the last time bioparents have visited the Duo. I guess On Monday, July 27th there was actually a visit with the older kids, but our girls were not taken to it because bio didn't call in to say that they would be there. So that's now 12 days with no visit! We will see what Thr brings.
 
 Although we were desperately hoping that after biomom had her letter clearing her, that the visits would be moved downtown to the agency; where there is climate control (air conditioning) and more importantly.. a bathroom for Sissy to use as we are making great strides with using the potty. ... Hoping doesn't mean getting however; We were informed that when the visits continue, they will most likely be at the same place.. but that was not from our caseworker, it was our Transport worker, and we are hoping that she is wrong.

  I wish that I could feel some confidence in the things that case workers and such tell me, like the time frame for one thing.. But I just cant seem to. I am still sort of expecting the 90 day review in court to be the day the Judge orders them to go back home with bio. All the workers seem to harbor the belief that this wont happen, but I don't feel 100 percent assured by them. But a little relief is better than none... and the wide open time frame is a hard thing.

 Today Sissy actually informed me that she had to go to the bathroom again (as we were outside playing), I knew that she needed to poop as she had just went pee about 10 minutes before that. This is the first time she has taken a proactive step before pooing her pants, and I couldn't be happier!!

    Sissy is also verbalizing quite often that she is happy, (and sometimes she says sad too). I think she is just now understanding emotions and relating them to he own situation. (we read a lot of emotion books, this may be helping). Tonight she said she was "So Happy" while playing after dinner, yesterday she said she was sad about Mommy and Daddy. When I asked her why, she couldn't really verbalize any further, so I just moved on to our discussion about how they would be living with us and we would keep them safe... etc. she then cheered right up. When asked she says she does like living here. She calls this house her home, and we are her family. This just must be so confusing for a kiddo. Poor Duo.  I know that Foster kids become confused by loving both bio and Fosters, they can feel disloyal to bios to love Fosters, and that creates some issues. I just hope that ours are too young to have that split love confusion
    We were quite sad ourselves when Sissy flooded our bathroom by stopping the sink and turning the water on full blast then leaving it running. Soon it was Raining quite heavy in our kitchen as water gushed through our kitchen light fixture and along the area above the sink. aack..

   Funny how they keep you so busy that there is no time for the repairs of things that they have broken. The list grows.
 

9 Weeks and counting

Wednesday morning was the official court date for the girls' bioparents negligence case.  The previous dates had been pre-trials, but I'm not really sure about the difference.  The bios were at court and Squirrel went so that we have the information directly.  The only reasons the bios were there was because the caseworker for the oldest 2 siblings picked them up.  There were a few things that happened in the kids' favor, and then a lot of things that didn't happen.  First is that all visits with the parents are suspended until mom gets a letter from a doctor that she is lice free.  We had to get this for the girls and it is about time that mom is pushed further to do so.  It was asked of her to do this 8 weeks ago.  This will also put us in a better place as once she is lice free we are not risking another infestation 3 times a week and even better is that family visits will then happen in the office, where weather doesn't matter and there are bathrooms!  It is really hard to potty train a child when they have to do family visits at a park with no restrooms.

The girls' brother's caseworker also got the judge to rule that he will receive a psych evaluation.  Unfortunately the young man has threatened his foster dad.  It isn't often that you even have a foster home that can take in 2 teenage siblings and if this evaluation doesn't go well he could end up in a care facility.  He may, however, need the facility.  The parents are also required to have psych evaluations!  Yippee!!!  They are required to also follow any recommendations.  This is big.  It is our belief that most of this family have some mental health concerns and if they are reunited they have to tackle them or these kids will be neglected again.  CPS was finally able to take the kids all into custody because of the oldest sibling's suicide attempt (actually it was the biomom's refusal of allowing evaluation that was the key).  If brother's evaluation comes back with a fetal alcohol diagnosis (which we all believe) it will give us more fodder to get an evaluation for Sissy.  This will also open up treatments as she grows.    

In the end the court will reevaluate in 90 days.  This is just for progress.  Our caseworker (or past caseworker as our agency is reevaluating the cases this week) came to visit us on Friday.  Our monthly visit was overdue.  We were playing outside when she arrived and when we asked if it would be easier if we went indoors she said that it was fine, she only needed to see the girls and have us sign the visit sheet.... Seriously?  I know that this is how it goes, but you didn't need to verbalize that.  You hear about terrible foster homes and if you know what time your caseworker is coming by you can always stage a happy visit outside so they never know conditions inside.  We captured our caseworker longer than she planned and we did get her to document Sissy's burn mark on her arm as well as get her to answer a few questions for us.  We do know that the girls' sister is now in permanent custody of her biodad (the court proceedings made Squirrel unsure).  We also pointedly asked about our timeline.  Since we have a 90 day reevaluation Squirrel asked if we could expect that the girls may go back into their bios' custody at that time (since that is as quickly as sister went into biodad's custody).  Our caseworker said absolutely not, that we could expect this will be 6-9 months at a minimum if ever.  She has little faith that the bios will do anything.  This is sad, but a bit of a relief.  

We are foster parents, it is the ultimate goal to return the family.  Reality is with what these two have been through that I don't want them to return to that.  Every day I hate the bioparents more and more.  As the girls get more and more comfortable and loving I realize more and more how awful the parents are/were.  The foster parents that work extremely closely with the bioparents must either have cases that were true economic hardship or they are complete saints.  It is reaffirming that even our workers are appalled at the bioparents.

In the meanwhile we are now in the limbo between temporary and permanent parents.  With the reality of a minimum of 6 months we continue to get things for them to "grow into" and move away from only doing the immediate.  

One of the more permanent things we did was to buy a two year photo plan at JCPenny and did our first set of family photos.  Time to get these two up on the wall.

We also got a gift of beds from Squirrel's colleague and I spent all day yesterday painting them.  Luckily the girls "helped" us pick out the colors (even though we gave them limited choices).

Giant beds for our tiny girls.

Time flying by...

We have gotten so busy with everything that blogging every day doesn't work... and much of our days are typical, normal.

This weekend we did celebrate Squirrel's birthday.  Because of the girls we were unable to travel as we intended before they were placed with us.  In order to do travel we are supposed to get permission from the bioparents and at this time it is unlikely we will be ever able to get that.  On Saturday we opted for one of her favorite meals for lunch.  Yes, we took two toddlers out for sushi.  While they didn't eat a ton of sushi they did demolish the edamame and enjoyed the teriyaki chicken.  We were especially impressed that they sat nicely and really tried hard to eat with their chopsticks.  At one point we did get them forks, but neither of them opted to use them.

After lunch we went to the hobby store next door where we looked at the model airplanes and helicopters.  We are working really hard at making these two nerds.

That evening was a birthday dinner with the neighbors and we enjoyed our cookout.  The duo really adore the neighbors and their extended family.

Sunday - just think opposite of Saturday.

It was Squirrel's official birthday.  On Saturday we had given Squirrel her birthday present (a glider chair) so the girls and I got up and went to get some birthday donuts.  That gave Squirrel until 10 with some peace and quiet.  The rest of the day was one giant meltdown.  On Squirrel's big day we had hot dogs for lunch and frozen pizza for dinner.  The only great thing we did that day was that I was able to go to Goodwill and Meijer during their nap.  Goodwill was 50% off everything and I did some great school shopping and Meijer had an extra discount on their clearance toys.  I think we may have Sissy's birthday presents (October) all purchased and much of our Christmas shopping done.

We didn't plan on the frozen pizza, we  were actually going to go to the neighbor's again, but when their toddler was having a bad day and had to cancel it opened the door for us to take away the visit as we had threatened for the poor behavior.  We aren't talking about a little issue here and there.  It was literally a stomp on your face type of behavior (luckily I didn't get too bad of a fat lip).  Bug was having issues so I was lying on the floor holding her (both of them seem to be secure in this position) and Sissy came roaring through and I had no time to react.  It was her longest time out as she was not to move until she was able to apologize and it took her over 1/2 an hour to get to that point.

Monday

Bug screamed as we pulled up to "school" this is the first time she ever did this.  I had to carry her in.  After a few minutes we settled in.  It was supposed to be a visit day, but of course, biomom did not call in.  After school we all went to the neighbors' for dinner and the girls ate like the champs we brag them up to be.  We did, however, have to take Bug's highchair over.  Originally she tried to sit in a big chair but she looked so defeated.

Tuesday

Normal day off to school.  Bio called in for her visit today.  Then the B---- didn't show up.  Our poor duo.  This is the first time she pulled this where she is a call in but no show.  Fortunately the girls love our transport worker so they spent the time telling her all about life at our house, what the weekend was like, and just general chatter.  I tried to talk to Sissy a little about the missed visit in the evening, but she was not too phased.  Her resiliency is fantastic.  Why would someone call in about a visit at 8:30 in the morning and then not show at 11:30.

Well, we will see what happens... court date on Wednesday morning.

Eight weeks

Life is pretty normal so not always a ton to write about.

On Wednesday Sissy started wearing underwear all day when we are awake.  We are pretty excited to cut back on our diaper purchasing, but it is causing for a little extra laundry during the week.

Yesterday we had our 2 hour family visit.  Since court was on Tuesday we had to make up the visit time even though bios skipped court.  I really wish that the bios would take care of their lice issue so that the girls would not have to do all their visits outside in the park.  Some of these days are super hot and there is no real shelter to play under so they are just baking our kids.  They have started to bring snacks and drinks, but we are now having to deal with sugar hyped toddlers as they bring Kool-Aid and "Fruit" snacks.  Our house is water and fruits and vegetables.  *sigh*

After the family visit we decided to take the girls to a local event.  It was a festival of sorts with craft areas, game areas, and gardens at a local historical home (giant facility).  We did okay.  The crowds weren't too scary.  We actually sat and watched a magic show for a bit.  This all pushed dinner back so by the time we ate (around 7) we were monsters.

Today marks 8 weeks.  We did our typical Friday night Mexican, but added Squirrel's mom.  The girls love having her around.  After school and before dinner Sissy was having a "meltdown" for no apparent reason and declared to Squirrel that she needed to sit in the "calm down chair" and put herself in it and gathered her self.  It is interesting how these simple things get absorbed.  We don't put them in that chair very often, but when we do we are firm, but gentle.  It is not a scolding, but a matter of fact we need you to gather yourself.  There is no minimum and no maximum time and it works for both of them.

When I began writing tonight I asked Sissy to go to bed.
At the end I found her asleep here.  Only feet from us
at the bottom of the stairs.  Poor girl refuses to admit
she is tired and can fall asleep anywhere.

After dinner Bug was pretty tired and actually crashed early.  Squirrel's mom was visiting and we got some nice time.  Sissy was allowed to be a "big girl" and we got a game out (Stay Alive).  Up to this point we have not understood games or taking turns.  Tonight we caught on.  It is amazing how we are picking up on a few things.  Sissy also mastered her colors this week.  Next week we will work on shapes.  We are also going to keep working on chewing with your mouth closed for table manners.  At school we have been learning some not so great habits so we are constantly working on extremely good habits at home.  Sissy has also mastered how to ask politely for things without whining.  This was for our sanity.  Up to this point is was "I want ..." in a terrible whiny/demanding voice.  We would redirect and say a complete sentence back and ask her to repeat (not always successful).  "May I have some more milk please?"  Just the other day she started to automatically use her polite sentences.  This simple change is making incredible differences and especially at meals.

So, eight weeks in and the consistency is proving to work.  There are many things that I was skeptical about that with a try prove to be fruitful.  I would have never imagined that a calm down chair would really be used.

Court date #2

Today revolved around one major activity for Squirrel and I.  We went to our first court date for our kids.  It wasn't that we had anything to do.  We just feel like we need to directly know what is going on.

So... we get to the courthouse and we don't know what we are doing.  We go to walk into the courtroom and a woman in a side room asks if we are the girls' foster parents.  It is our new case worker!  Yes, the woman who hasn't called me back since Thursday.  She has the "oops, busted face" going on and has to do some pedaling quickly to come up with some answers.  We chatted with her for quite some time and then who walks in but our legal liaison.  Busted!  He has not called back since Thursday either.  Here we are with both of them so we were able to nail them down for some direct answers.

We had quite a bit of time with them as we waited before going into the court room.  Why did we have time?  Well, because biomom was a no show.  Seriously?  Who doesn't show to court when your children are removed from your home?  Second no show for her... yet we have to make up today's missed visit on Thursday?  That is messed up.

While we are waiting we got to throw a lot of requests at our case worker.

1. Speech therapy for both
2. FAS testing for Sissy
3. Suspended visits until biomom gets her lice taken care of
4. Visits not at the awful park
5. Regulated guests at visits (we had a crazy amount of people at a visit)
6. Play therapy for Sissy

Some of these requests were eagerly received by our caseworker, some not so much.  She really balked at the FAS testing and the therapies.  Really?  I think these are some things that the girls really need.  We can handle a not so great park and we can deal with having to do lice prevention all the time.  These items will not harm the girls forever.  If we don't tackle the speech issues that will continue.  All the kids except the oldest of the 5 have the speech issues.  The FAS isn't limited to Sissy.  The caseworker for the oldest two believes that the 15 year old may also have FAS and is pushing for testing for him.  We need the diagnosis for services.  If we were to test and it comes back negative, great!  If not we need to be ready to get the services that are needed.

What we were able to get at court... nothing.  Since biomom did not show up there were no requests made of the judge.

What did happen:  Their 7 year old sister was placed immediately with her biodad.  A huge surprise to us.  Last we knew he was not ready.  It was not anticipated by her fostermom either otherwise we would have gotten together this weekend.

We also had a great conversation with the case worker for the girls' oldest two siblings.  We now have contact info for their foster family so we can go visit them.

Having the 7 year old now placed with her biodad shifts the dynamics of the whole thing.  A friend who used to be a reunification worker was talking with us this past weekend and was saying how they try to keep the unit together and as long as they were all in care that there would be reunification attempts.  She also said that if any of the kids are not placed with the biomom that there is a higher likelihood that reunification won't happen.  Who knows.

Really though, who has 5 kids taken away and doesn't bother to show up in court?

For us.  Even though we have no results from the court visit for the girls our comfort level with the courtroom is there.  We now know a little of what to expect.  It is the little things, like the acoustics of the room that can throw you off.  Showing up also shows all the workers around the case that we are serious about these girls.

The next court date is next Wednesday.  Anyone want to place bets on if she shows?

Carving out the time

Rabbit here... I am on Squirrel's computer and don't remember my log in, so I'm just using her computer.

Normal day today.  Only unique thing was that Squirrel got to experience the full turd in the tub tonight.  Bug has been refusing to poop at school so not too surprised, but we will probably do "speed baths" when we have not pooped at school.  I would much rather clean a diaper than a tub.

A friend asked a question on facebook today and it was more than I can answer in a quick facebook way:  "Fellow parents of small children, how do you find the time to do things other than parent and work? We have a small child with us temporarily, for part of the week, and we do all the 'extras' on our days 'off.' But sometime soon we hope to have a full-time child or two."

We knew when we went into this that we would lose some time to do our other things, but honestly, I think I expected to lose more time than we are at this time.  I would say the first 4 weeks feel like you have no time, but after that it starts to relax.  We found our time by creating structure and boundaries.  It feels like you are a big bully and super conservative, but it is worth it.  Some folks may say we are too rigid, but it works for us and our girls respect it.  I think our girls often prefer to be treated like little adults.

Our schedule is set.  We hold to fairly regular meal, snack, walk, bath, and sleep times.  By doing so we have created pockets of time for ourselves.  The girls are in bed by 9:00 and we get up at 7:15 (I magically get them to school around 7:30.  Clothes are laid out the night before.  Hair is done the night before so that the morning only needs a refresh.  When home the meals are at 9:00, 12:00, 4:00 (snack) and 6:00.  There are no other meals.  This has decreased the constant begging for food.  While this was tough with the food insecurity, it is working.  Naps are 2 hours and start between 1 and 2.

During the morning most of the play is on your own.  Afternoon play may be directed.  This allows us to do what we need to do while the girls do what they "need" to.  The afternoon play often is to do some learning with colors, shapes, alphabets, etc.

It is okay to not play with your kids all the time.  We are super lucky that the duo's school really helps them learn self-directed play and keeps them exploring.  This carries over a lot at home.

With this we have learned to listen for key behaviors and we can be in separate rooms, or even floors and know what they are up to.  Having a little trust in them helps a lot.

The first few weeks we didn't let them out of our sight... now the duo knows that I will not be downstairs until after my shower and they are to play calmly and wait for their cereal.

We give each other "adult time" each week.  Away from home and away from the duo.

It is okay to sit on the front porch and visit with the neighbor when the kids are napping.  Nobody wants to be inside all day.  We are also lucky that our neighbors are like family.  So much so that our duo has started referring to their grandma and grandpa as such.

In our house we also keep a focus on keeping the house clean and picked up.  After a meal the dishes are done.  Before going outside the toys are picked up.  We have the duo put their toys faway.  This is dual purpose.  We don't get overwhelmed and we are teaching them how to be respectful of their environment.  Bug actually gets very upset if I start to vacuum and she does not have her little vacuum to help.  I have done my laundry on a routine for several years and I was able to maintain that when the girls came in the house.  I do all laundry on Saturday or Sunday morning... every last bit of it.  There is no searching for items that may be clean or may not.

Hobbies don't have to be hidden from the kids.  It took me a few weeks, but now if I want to play the piano I do so.  The girls may or may not choose to sit with me, but I am doing what I want and they are doing what they want.  I may bust into a little Twinkle Twinkle just for them, but it is a small compromise.

Shopping is done with intention.  Wandering the aisles slowly is not an option.  We can do a full grocery trip in less than 30 minutes.  All grocery shopping must be done after feeding the duo.  Browsing is not an option.

We are working on a few things that will fit in with our hobbies.  Hopefully we will get the duo pedaling their own bikes soon.  That will open up the option for them to bike with us when we run or even a family bike "trip".

So I may have to give up a band or two.  I still managed to throw my 90 year old friend a birthday party, complete with 90 homemade cupcakes.  While I don't ride my cycle every day I have figured out that I can drop the girls at school, return home and get my bike and still be to work on time.  A little bit here and there and it works out.  Sometimes I feel like we are able to do more in a day than before, but Squirrel doesn't think so.

One thing to note is that we have been extremely lucky that our foster agency transports and supervises visits so that is not a time suck (3+ hours a week).  I am also lucky that my colleagues are awesome.

Sing yourself to sleep

Squirrel has some time off this coming week so she had to work today to make up for it.  That left me with weekend errands with the duo.

First stop was to a garage sale a friend told us about.  Her friends were having it and they supposedly had some size 5 clothes.  Jackpot!  It wasn't a huge sale, but less than $10 and we have enough pants and clothes for this fall.  The hardest thing to find the girls are pants without spending crazy amounts.  We have yet to get our clothing allowance and even if we had pants are still more than we wish to spend most of the time.  Mind you, I'm not able to comb adds or window shop with these two.  It is more like a dash and grab.  When you are dashing and grabbing it is hard to find those sale prices.  Until today we also have not mastered the "try this on" concept.  Everything we put on we don't want to take off!  Until today.  We had so many clothes that Sissy was excited to put the next thing on and super cooperative.  Of the 8 pair of pants or so we only had 1 pair that I thought were to small.  It was great at the sale as the hosts' daughters played well with the girls while I was able to shop.

After the garage sale we headed to the outlet mall, and more specifically Old Navy as they had a sale this week, even on their clearance.  That didn't go as well as the garage sale.  We got a few great prices on some shirts and then we were too crazy to keep shopping.  I actually had to do a football carry on Bug to get her out of the store and to the car.  Trying to carry her normal she pushes off with both her arms and feet and I can only dedicate one arm to carrying her as the other is holding Sissy's hand.

I thought our errands would be done at that point, but when we got close to home they were calm so I braved JoAnn's with them.  I have wanted to put different curtains up versus the black and white ones I have had in the girls' room.  Both of the girls were great in the store.  It helped that they both were able to ride in the cart.  We all picked out the fabric together.  Some pretty pastel stripes with sparkles on it.

Home meant lunch and then they were quite tired so "rest" time.  Naps did not happen quickly.  It took them two cranky hours before they crashed.  They were then out for two hours.  That gave me four hours to do all the laundry, make the curtains, and clean up around the house.

Sissy allowed me to put her hair in pigtails today.  I like the look much more than the whale spout that she has been sporting.  She even allowed me to trim the uneven hair at her neck.  Her poor little neck is all scarred from her itching when we got her and with the pigtails it is easily seen.

After dinner Bug also allowed me to try pigtails in her hair.  They are both so darn cute!  We all then had to go next door to show the neighbors.  They love the neighbors.  Just our luck, they were just getting ready to cook out.  The girls settled right in and each had 2 hotdogs and sides (each).  This is after we had already eaten our dinner.  Oh well.

Now we are all tucked in.  The girls have finally fallen asleep.  Amazing how just a few short weeks ago they screamed and cried their way to sleep.  Tonight they sang themselves to sleep.

Run!

I'm sure bioparents know this, but I hadn't.  When you have toddlers you have about 3 hours in which to do all your social life for the day.  Unfortunately for us those hours are 9-12 when none of our normal peeps are ready on the weekend.  After 12 it is lunch, naps, dinner, bath, bed with a little play time between each.  Sometimes we are able to skip the naps, but that ends up with other complications later.

Our 9-12 today was filled with an adventure to a local road race.  We have both done the race since it started a few years ago and this year Squirrel had to miss it to take care of the girls so I could trudge the 9.3 miles.  This is actually a race she struggles with every year so it was unlikely with the missed training this year that it would have been a very successful run anyways.  

So... off I go to my race.  Squirrel was bringing the girls to the tots trot later in the morning so I rode my bike to the race so we only had one vehicle in the end.  It was HOT!  Usually I am cold for the first mile or three, but I was sweating before it even started.  I survived, but unfortunately I was 6 minutes late to see the kids' race/run.  We knew Bug likes to run, but weren't very sure about Sissy.  They both loved it!  Fortunately a friend stepped in and helped Squirrel because as soon as they said "start" the duo split and ran in different directions.  They were so cute with their little running numbers on.  

After our runs we all had Popsicles, cookies, and bananas (I'm starting to really love anyone that feeds my kids) and then let the girls jump in the bounce houses.  It was really a shame that there were 2 bounce houses and barely any kids in them.  At most there were 5 in one at one time.  That was perfect for us.  We were able to let the kids bounce as much as they wanted as we were able to just sit in the shade and watch.  Each jump exhausting their little bodies more and more.  It is amazing to think that 3-4 weeks ago they could have never handled the crowds and now we were able to just sit back and watch.

A lot of things have gotten so much better.  Sissy is really not testing boundaries anymore (Bug is now).  We still have food issues, but we aren't screaming about them so much.  All of us have really started to settle in. 

After our morning adventures at the race we were interested in going to ride the bus for a town tour of attractions, and it was only a dollar a person, but we opted to stay home as it looked a bit stormy and then we needed our naps.  The naps were awesome and Squirrel and I quickly cleaned a bit of the house.  After the 2 hour nap the girls played in their room quietly for an entire hour before coming down. 

Sissy is trying to be more helpful and today she tried to balance her glass on her plate to bring it to the kitchen.  It was a thinner glass than usual (dishwasher was running) and unfortunately it fell and broke.  Poor girl thought I was going to yell when I ran to swoop her up.  She had no injuries, but I did end up with a small glass sliver and one of the dogs did cut her paw.  We all worked together and put a bandage on the dog's boo-boo.

I took a risk after dinner and got out supplies to make bracelets.  I know that beads are advanced for a 2 and 3 year old, but we need to find ways to keep them out of our stuff and they have a huge attraction for our jewelry.  They both did great!  Bug sat in her high chair and I mainly made her bracelet and Sissy was able to do half of hers by herself.  The bracelets probably won't last too long as they yank on them and the clasps are magnetic so they are sticking them everywhere, but now we have an alternative to our items.  

We did play outside after dinner as well, but we scurried in when the neighbors got their pizza.  We have learned to remove them when it is time for someone else to eat.  One day the neighbor came outside eating chips and dip and he was pretty much tackled by our duo.

That's our day... pretty normal day for anyone's standards and that is a nice place to be at.